I don’t have to like it just because it’s right
by PrivateInterest
Summary: The second version of Part 2 of 'It's not a crush'. Utterly different from what the first version. It’s pretty simple, really. Adam is gay. Totally gay. But Allie still loves Adam. Totally loves him… How complicated could that really be? You have no idea.
1. Chapter 1

Hi guys!!!

So I'm back… I hope you missed me! Just kidding... XD

And here is the second version to the second part of **'It's not a crush'**. If you hadn't read the first part – you probably should do it before you read this (obviously), but you don't have to read the first version to the second part to understand this one (although I would appreciate it if you did).

Okay, so first of all I want to thank everybody who read the first version and for the awesome reviews. It was so nice read them… =D

Now, about the story… This is the continuation to the same beginning, but under other circumstances. It takes off exactly where Part 1 left us (if you don't remember where that is, I suggest you go back to the first part and check quickly before starting), and it could absolutely replace the other version. In other words – forget everything that's happened in **'Part two: hide the truth and spread the lie.'** Imagine nothing of that happened at all.

The different circumstances are clear: Adam is gay. Funny how much this one little detail changes everything, isn't it? Well, expect more drama and some angst… You know why.

I'll start with a short chapter this time, just to start things up and get into this again…

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Enjoy!

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**Part two: I don't have to like it ****just because it's right.**

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1 – Moments

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"Everyone has embarrassing moments, don't worry about it." Lil tried to cheer up Anoop, who apparently massed up some lines in his song that night. We were all waiting outside for the buses to arrive and take us to the next destination.

"I'm not supposed to forget or mess up words anymore. I sang this song like a hundred times by now." Anoop sighed.

"Dude, my zipper was undone during a concert and I found out from a fan!" Matt said with a smile. We all remembered how we laughed when he told us about it. "Yours is nothing compared to mine."

"Yeah, I almost slipped when I tried to kick one of Adam's bras." I agreed. "And Adam forgot to raise the mic once and it took him a few moments to realize no one could hear him sing. So what?"

"It's not a big deal, it's just funny." Adam nodded.

"That's because you never get embarrassed. Besides, anything Adam Lambert does is cool anyway… Wiping the stage floor in the middle of a concert is cool when you do it!" Anoop protested, but now he was smiling.

"Man, it's good to be Adam." I said with a fake sigh.

"I couldn't leave it wet and risk my favorite little sis falling, right?" Adam teased back. We were all cracking up again and then we started to bring up memories of our embarrassing moments on the tour so far. Well, Adam refused to call them embarrassing, but the point was the same. I wondered if he even knew what the word 'embarrassing' meant.

The buses pulled over pretty soon and I prepared myself for another sleepless night on the road. Don't get me wrong, I loved the traveling part and all, but I preferred to be the whole day on the bus just to spend the night at a hotel. I simply couldn't fall asleep in the bus bunk. This left me lots of time to think. I would lie for hours in silence, hearing only the steady breaths of the other girls, and think. The main subject of my thoughts was, of course, Adam. Adam and my feelings for him. Even when I tried to think about something else, he would force his way into my mind, too frequently and possessively to be good or normal for me.

God, sometimes it was too much to deal with and I just wished it would all go away. But I couldn't do anything about it. I felt slightly insane as he filled every corner of my mind, firmly refusing to leave it. It was the worst after something special happened that day. Well, a simple look from him could mean special to me. I could get excited from anything that involved Adam, feeling stupid and obsessed, but unable to ignore it. I got angry with myself every time my heart would skip a beat at a thought about him, or when I had to catch my breath at the sight of him. I mean, it was all so horribly wrong and pointless. It was as if my heart insisted to torture me with all of those endless feelings I had. Nothing could ever happen between Adam and me, there was no doubt about that, so why, for all that's holly, _why_ did I have to be in love with him?

I decided I was clearly punished for something. Let me count my misfortunes. Firstly, I fell for my best friend. Bad enough as it is. Secondly, I fell for a guy who was ten years older than me. Thirdly, I fell for a gay man. And fourthly, this guy was the most amazing person on Earth, or in other words, he was Adam Lambert. Let's sum it up: I was completely and insanely in love with someone who I could never be with. Cruel world, isn't it?

Thoughts of this kind became more and more frequent as the days went by. I started to wonder what could be the end of me. Was there going to be a point when everything would just get too much for me? And if there was, what would happen to me..? Would there be some kind of relief? Would it ever get easier? And would I be able to bear everything until then, even if that moment arrived?

There were many other questions, emotions, tears and fastened heartbeats. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't constantly suffering and drowning in my own misery. There were also many smiles and positive feelings involved… It's just that they eventually always lead to the same dead-end with a lot of thoughts and loneliness, as I couldn't share what I was going through with anyone. Let's put it out this way; I wasn't a big fan of the times when I was alone or when everybody else was asleep…

***

"I'm gonna see my baby tomorrow!" Megan sang excitedly, hanging up the phone and clapping.

"Good for you." Lil smiled genuinely, probably wishing she could spend some more time with her kids too. I missed my family as well, but I got to see my mother yesterday and my sister last week, which was great. I tried not to think of how much I wanted to see Adam. I haven't been able to talk to him for a whole day now and these days it was a lot of time, apparently. Honestly, I tried to think about him as less as possible for all the obvious reasons.

"I wonder what the guys are doing…" Oh no… Megan grabbed her cell phone again, texting someone a massage. I really wished she wouldn't have done it. No boys. _Boys_ meant _Adam_ for me. And _Adam_ meant too many emotions and frustration.

"Of course you do." Lil rolled her eyes and we both giggled as Megan tried to ignore us. She and Matt had some kind of a… _'thing'_ going on between them. She refused to admit it, so we eventually gave up on trying to figure anything out. Megan insisted they were only friends, but they kept flirting shamelessly. Well, I didn't exactly share this kind of things with others either, so I didn't blame her. Though it was kind of obvious anyway.

"Who's up for a movie?" I asked loudly. They would have to deal with it even if they didn't want to watch movies, because I was determined to break my own record and not be tempted to think about the previously described subject. Why did they have to insist make it so difficult for me?

I knew I was just looking for someone to blame and trying to avoid admitting I couldn't live through one day without thinking of the one and only Adam Lambert. More than one, actually. Then we started to watch some romantic movie and everything about it reminded me of Adam and I couldn't concentrate on the plot. Obviously, it wasn't anyone's fault, it was just me. I wasn't usually so unfocused and distracted, but lately I was getting really restless. Honestly, I felt like I was slowly losing my mind. I had to tell someone and fast. Even if I was slightly overreacting.

***

"Hey," I walked out to the balcony of the guys' room, where Adam was sitting peacefully by himself. Danny and Matt were inside, busy with a laptop, as always.

"Hey, Allie." Adam smiled at me as I sat down next to him. "Got bored from those two?" He waved his hand to the entrance of the room.

"Totally. Where is everybody?" I stretched my legs in front of me.

"Who knows? Everybody has a life." He shrugged with a smile. "Apparently." I giggled.

"I didn't know we're allowed to have a life."

"Sure we are. We just don't have time for it." We both laughed at that before I turned my head to look at him. For a moment I even forgot what I was about to say, lost in the thought of how perfect he was as I looked at his beautiful face. Well, perfect for me. Though ironically, he was so, so wrong for me. Impossible.

"So, why are you here, all alone?" It wasn't like him to stay away from everybody else, even when 'everybody else' consisted of two people, completely consumed in whatever they were doing on the computer.

"Just thinking." Adam shrugged and looked at me. A smile spread across his lips, making my heart sink somewhere deep. "I love your hair this way." He said and ran a hand through my newly-cut and straightened red hair. I hoped I didn't blush at that, but I certainly couldn't ignore the shivers that ran up my spine. I wasn't able look away from his azure, piercing eyes, although the eye contact made it harder for me to breathe. When I finally forced my gaze off of his eyes, it froze on his lips. Damn, those lips… He licked them and they seemed so soft, pulling me to them like a magnet… "Allie?" His sudden voice pulled me back from my daze and I was so, _so_ thankful for that. Who knows what would've happened if he hadn't spoken at that moment. Wait, scratch that. I know exactly what would've happen and it definitely would've been something I would've regretted later.

"Sorry, I just thought about something." I apologized. "What were you saying?"

"That I like your hair this way. I think it suits you." He chuckled.

"Oh, thanks." I heard it the first time as well, but I didn't want him to know I was that affected by one sweet complement. I mean, come on, he says a few lousy words, touches my hair, which I can hardly feel physically, and I get practically hypnotized by him and his lips! How pathetic is that? "You're the expert, so I'll take your word for it." I joked to distract myself, wondering what he'd been thinking about before I came. Something was bothering him, I knew it, but I figured he would've told me, if he wanted me to know.

***

"A fan gave it to me." Megan said, showing me her necklace.

"That's cool." I said with a smile. "It's amazing how they're willing to waste so much money on us. I feel kind of guilty sometimes…"

"I know what you mean. They pay to see us and also buy us presents and all." She agreed.

"Nothing can compare to the amount of money that they spend on Adam, though. I mean, it's ridiculous how many bras he gets thrown on the stage. And now there are other _items_ too!" We both giggled at that.

"Well, Adam sort of brought it on himself." Megan laughed. "Being so irresistibly sexy." I gulped at that. She had no idea… "I actually used to have a major crush on Adam, but who wouldn't, really?" Megan giggled.

"Yeah…" I forced a smile on. "I'm practically in love with him." I joked. The truth was that I was _completely_ in love with him. "But he's my brother, so I just love him to death."

"I know." She laughed again. "I adore him."

"Me? Really?" Matt squeezed in between Megan and me on the couch. "Aww!"

"You too." Megan beamed and gave him a peck on the cheek.

"I feel blessed." Matt stated dramatically and put an arm around each of us, sighing contently.

"Dude, you're like the luckiest guy in the world right now." I assured him. "Right, Megs?"

"Yeah, totally." She approved.

"Hey, I'm jealous!" Anoop announced as he and Danny came into the room.

"See? What did I tell you?" I hit Matt lightly in the ribs with my elbow. Then Adam entered the room, humming some song. Well, he was certainly in a good mood. Not that it was something unusual for him… My heart did the usual routine of skipping a beat and quickening its pace.

"What's up?" Matt asked him as he sat down on the couch on my side and put his feet up on the coffee table.

"Great!" Adam beamed at us and I immediately knew there was something that excited him. "What's going on with you guys?"

"We're bored, so nothing new." Megan answered. "You?"

"Oh, I bought a pair of new jeans yesterday, can't wait to wear them!" How typical of Adam… Megan and I looked at him, then at each other and then burst out laughing. "What?" He asked innocently.

"You're sort of predictable." I told him, still giggling.

"It's just because you know me so well!" Adam protested. "There are a lot of people who think I'm actually unpredictable."

"Still…" I said, unable to stop laughing. He pulled me to him until I fell onto his lap; my legs still crossed in a meditation position, and ruffled my hair until it looked like I haven't brushed it for months.

"Why do I love you so much?!" Adam laughed when I looked up at him with wide eyes. I was almost sure my heart just stopped beating at that point. Damn, how much I would've given to hear those words from him in an entirely different meaning.

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Thanks for reading… Hope you liked it! Tell me whatever you thought. =D

Next chapter's on the way and it's probably gonna turn out longer.

Until next time! =D


	2. Chapter 2

Hello everyone!

Thanks for the reviews, I'm glad you read and like it!

Now, I think I should warn you… Like I've said many times, it's a completely different variation of what could've happened. It's not going to be like the first version at any point. Adam is gay. Allie is a girl. We'll just see how she deals with it. If she does at all… Adison in any way but romantic.

Enjoy!

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2 – A girls' night in

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One evening on the tour bus, as all the other girls were busy with something, I came across a familiar object as I organized my stuff. This object happened to be a _'Rolling Stone'_ issue from a couple of months ago. Yes, the one with Adam Lambert on its cover. I have no idea why I kept it. Maybe I was some kind of masochist. I mean, of course there wasn't something new in it that I hadn't known about Adam before he did the interview. Still, it was like a cruel, painful proof of what I didn't really want to believe in deep inside. It was a permanent reminder that he was impossible for me… My love for him was so wrong and pointless that it should've been illegal to be created… Well, it was. Totally and completely forbidden.

Only this never stopped my heart from skipping beats, sinking to my feet, hammering in my chest and hurting to no end when I saw him or even thought of him. How could I deal with this? Was there some kind of a cure for me? But then again, what was I supposed to heal? Love? I threw the damn magazine with all of the others, as if it was physically hurting me… Burning my hands as I held it in them. I wished I could stop my mind from doing the same old routine every time I came across something even scarcely connected to Adam. All of those bitter thoughts that ended up somewhere between adoration and depression… It wasn't normal. Well, at least I didn't think it was normal. It's not like I could ask anybody's opinion on that matter, right?

Later that night we arrived at the hotel we were going to stay at. I was trying to fall asleep for some time already when I received a text message from Megan, asking me if I wanted to come over to her room. I quickly slipped out of my bed and jogged to her room, not bothering to even put any shoes on as it was just down the hall from mine. Lil was already there and they explained to me what was going on.

"Apparently, the guys are having a boys' night." Megan said, gesturing with her hand to the wall that separated us from Adam's room. Right then we heard a muffled explosion of laughter. It seemed they were enjoying themselves. "So I figured, why don't we have a girls' night?"

"You mean instead of sleeping like normal people?" Lil teased.

"Since when are we normal? Besides, we've had lots of sleep on the way." Megan replied calmly.

"Okay, so what do you wanna do?" I asked her, falling back on the bed.

"I don't know. My plan didn't go that far." She frowned and we giggled.

"Let's talk about something serious." Lil offered and got under the covers on the bed. "We never have the chance to do this. With the boys around it's absolutely impossible and on the bus it's kind of weird with the other girls."

"Yeah, a girls' talk!" I agreed enthusiastically, sitting up and crossing my legs in a meditation position while Megan went to the mini kitchen to bring us some snacks and soda.

"Sure, let's gossip!" She joked.

"Negh, I don't have anything bad to say about anybody." I protested.

"Me neither." She laughed, coming back to sit on the bed, dropping the food and drinks in the middle of the circle we created.

"Okay, tell us about your best date." I ordered Megan randomly. Honestly, it was the first thing that crossed my mind.

"Me? Why don't you tell us about yours?" She laughed again.

"Because I didn't go to that many dates and neither was very good. I mean, we only went to the movies or to get some ice-cream. Nothing special."

"The best date I've ever had…" Megan thought for a moment. "Probably it's when a guy took me sailing."

"Sailing?" Lil and I asked in unison.

"Yeah, on a yacht, with dinner and candles and all." Megan smiled, probably remembering that day.

"Wow, he must've been a wealthy boy." Lil noted.

"No, he used to clean the yachts for a leaving." Megan chuckled. "Of course, it was before college and all. Now he's some manager or something."

"It was before you got married?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah, I was still in high school. He was a couple of years older and we dated for a few months. But we were very different, so it didn't work out."

"Aww, that's too bad." Lil commented.

"Not really. He was an idiot." Megan laughed. "What about you, Lil, any dates to remember?"

"I don't know… My husband isn't a very romantic guy and we never did anything special when we were dating, but I still had fun with him. I think it's more about who's with you and not where you are."

"Yeah, totally agree." Megan nodded opening her can of soda.

"I guess it's true." I thought about the time I was spending with Adam doing practically nothing and still enjoying every moment. I didn't need anything else when he was around. Wait, why the hell was I thinking about _Adam_ when the conversation was about _dating_? Of course the answer was obvious already…

"Okay, what's the best gift you ever got?" Megan asked and it took me half a second to remember where I was and what was happening. "And don't say kids," She pointed at Lil before she could open her mouth. "I mean something material that someone gave you as a present."

"Wait, I know!" Lil raised her hand in the air. "My engagement ring!"

"You're just saying this because of its meaning." Megan rolled her eyes.

"No, I don't. It's the ring of my dreams. Seriously, it's exactly like I wanted it. When I saw it the first time I was about fifteen and I knew I wanted a ring just like that when I get engaged. And I got it."

"Aww, that's sweet." Megan smiled warmly at Lil and then turned to me. "What's yours?"

"Mmm…" I tried to remember a present that was exactly what I wanted and brought me a lot of joy… Sadly, I could only think of one object that suited this description. A pair of skinny jeans, a very expensive pair… the kind I couldn't afford back then… Remember? Yes, the one Adam gave me for my seventeenth birthday. I really wanted those pants for myself, but I think they had such a meaning to them because they were from Adam. Every thought of mine was going to narrow down to Adam now, wasn't it? It was like nothing could exist without him somehow being involved in it, one way or another. Well, for me it was exactly the situation. I forced myself to think about something else. "My guitar. Got it for my birthday a couple of years ago from my patents." I needed to take my mind off of Adam. That was it! I decided I wasn't going to think about him for the rest of the night. I had to start somewhere, didn't I? Though it's not like I've never tried that strategy before. It just always failed. I failed.

"Cool. I can only imagine how excited you were." Megan grinned.

"I was more hyperactive and insane than ever." I assured her. "It took me weeks to calm down. My mom promised to return the guitar to the store, if I didn't calm down and concentrate on school as much as it was needed." We all laughed, unable to stop for a while.

"I don't even know what's the best present I've got." Megan was the first one to talk again. "Practically anything that involved music was a perfect gift for me. Like CDs and tickets to concerts and posters… anything."

"Okay, a dream that came true." Lil asked, but this time neither of us needed time to think.

"American Idol!" The three of us said at once then burst out laughing again. Other questions followed and we answered them one after another, sometimes seriously and sometimes jokingly. We all agreed that family was the most important thing in the world and that chocolate was best against bad mood and argued for a long time about music and clothes.

"What's the craziest thing you've ever done?" Megan asked us. _'Falling in love with Adam Lambert'_ I was screaming in my mind instantly… What was that about not thinking about Adam tonight? I could barely stop myself from burying my face in a pillow and screaming all of my frustration into it until my voice would be all gone. I forced the thoughts about Adam out of my head, but then another one filled my mind. Actually, falling for Adam wasn't the craziest thing I've ever done. It was the most idiotic. The craziest thing was yet to come…

I couldn't concentrate on the conversation for a while, fighting against the thoughts about the man I loved, but the girls didn't really notice as they were bringing up memories from high school and all the craziness back then. I didn't pay attention, lost in my own thoughts and fights, but then another question came up from Lil and I was almost convinced they were doing it on purpose.

"Silliest crush you've ever had?" Ah, here go all the attempts to get Adam from my mind to waste. Did I really hope I would be able to push all of the thoughts about him even for a little while? I should've known it was an impossible mission from the very beginning. Just to be clear: I certainly did _not_ think that Adam Lambert was the answer for Lil's question for. Adam wasn't a crush for me, especially not a silly one. Still, I thought about how far beyond a crush my feelings were, how much they developed and how they made every other emotion seem insignificant. I wondered how much longer I would be able to survive with this impossibly enormous, yet increasing, love I had for him… You get the idea. Now you see what I meant when I said that practically anything provoked in me thoughts about Adam?

"You know I had a crush on Adam." Megan shrugged, grinning widely. Okay, they definitively did it on purpose.

"Adam doesn't count; everybody has a crush on him." Lil protested.

"Not _everybody_."

"Show me one female, who doesn't have a crush on him." Lil challenged and Megan pointed at her. "Oh, but I do have a crush on him. I mean, I love my husband, but how can you _not_ have a crush on Adam?" Lil laughed. "He's adorable. It's not serious, of course, but still… We're lucky he's gay. Otherwise many husbands and boyfriends would get soooo jealous."

"Gay or not gay, he's sweet and hot. Everyone can tell that. I'm sure your husband is jealous too."

"Some jealousy is good for the relationship." Lil joked. Though she probably meant it partly.

"Yeah, but it's still good Adam's not into chicks. I think the girls would all fight like crazy, if they had a chance with him. Just imagine that, it would be some kind of competition! Just look at all the girls from crew… They're drooling." I can't say I disagreed with her. I could see her point, really, but nothing in this world could convince me it was better for me that Adam is gay. I mean, if he wouldn't have wanted me as a straight guy, I would've at least known it was because of who I was and not because of the simple fact I was a girl.

"More like a battle than a competition." I said under my breath.

"Speaking of crushes," Lil gave me a wink before continuing. "What's up with you and Matt?"

"What do you mean?" Megan looked at us innocently, though I didn't buy it and I could see Lil didn't either.

"Oh, come on, Megs." I rolled my eyes. "You can stop pretending, everybody knows you like him. And he's completely crazy about you. So what's really going on?" Megan just sat quietly for a while and then sighed heavily.

"Nothing's going on." She seemed to find something fascinating in her hands suddenly, exploring them and not looking up at us. "It's mostly flirting, shameless flirting. That's all." Megan's voice was very low, which made it almost difficult to hear what she was saying. "I do like him, he's cute and fun and everything. A few years ago I would've been _so_ into him, but now I have Ryder and I think Matt's not ready for a relationship with a mother."

"Did you ask him?" I challenged, raising one eyebrow.

"He says he doesn't care, but I know he's not mature enough." Megan still wasn't looking at up us.

"Oh, and you are?" Lil raised her eyebrows in a very 'Lil' manner. "You're like a kid yourself, but it doesn't mean you're a bad mom."

"I just think he would be better – "

"Wait!" I cut her off, realizing what her words meant. "It means he actually suggested something?"

"He…" Megan hesitated, breathing out in frustration. "He might've said something about his affection towards me…" She was almost whispering now.

"He did what?!" Lil and I screamed together.

"Sh-shhh!" Megan hushed us, as if somebody would know we were talking about Matt if they heard us.

"What did he say?" Lil asked enthusiastically, earning a push from Megan, which caused her to almost fall from the bed and us to laugh hysterically. But it wasn't good enough to destruct us from the juicy news.

"Spill it!" I ordered Megan. What right did I have to demand something like this? I kept my secret to myself, didn't I?

"Well… We've had a… moment a while ago…" Megan straggled to find the right words.

"What kind of a moment?" Lil asked.

"You know… a special moment." Megan shrugged.

"Very specific." I noted sarcastically.

"Anyway, he was staring at me and then started leaning in for a kiss…" She trailed off.

"And..?" Lil encouraged.

"And I pulled away. He said he has feelings for me and I said nothing could happen between us except friendship." Megan tried to sound casual, but Lil and I were staring at her with astonishment.

"You didn't…" Lil said it almost accusingly.

"Yes I did." Megan frowned as if we somehow offended her.

"Are you insane?" I asked her.

"Why are you so obsessive about it? So what if I don't want to be with a guy? What's the big deal?" Megan attacked back.

"The big deal is that you do want to be with the guy, who happens to be a good friend of ours." Lil answered.

"He's my friend too."

"He's obviously more than that to you."

"Look, I don't want to hurt him or anything, but I just don't see us together. And I'm sorry, but it's my business." Megan replied defensively.

"Megan, you don't have the right to decide what's best for him. If he wants to be with you and feels ready to deal with everything, let him try." God only knows how close I was to telling them about what I was going through. I was almost angry at Megan for not taking the chance I could never have. I wanted to scream at her that her behavior was idiotic and she will be so sorry for her actions, when she realizes what she'd missed. She couldn't give up on true feelings without a respectful reason. I couldn't permit her make such a mistake. I had to tell her how much pain it is when you don't have the option to be loved by the person you love more than anything… I was about to tell her exactly and very descriptively how it felt, how she could feel. I was more than dangerously close to doing it; the words were already practically out… They already filled my mouth and rolled on my tongue…

But a sudden knock on the door interrupted my rush of furious thoughts, preventing me from speaking out loud. And I knew it was for the best really. Megan knew better what she wanted and how she felt about Matt. I just had to remind myself that it might be just a crush or something and she didn't necessarily have to be as desperate as me. Well, she obviously wasn't.

"Your salvation…" Lil whispered loudly half jokingly, rolling her eyes as Megan got up to open the door. I forced a smile on when she gave me a meaningful look before we heard the door opening. My salvation, really.

"Adam?" Megan asked with surprise at the sight of the gorgeous guy in her doorway. Wait, what?! My heart skipped a beat and then went for the usual around Adam double pace. "Aren't you supposed to have your guys' night?"

"Yeah, but I missed you!" He said cheerfully.

"Have you been drinking?" Lil narrowed her eyes and Adam rolled his in response.

"Give me a break…" He walked past Megan to the bed and jumped on it, hiding his face in the pillows. "I just wanted to see what you're doing."His words were slightly muffled by the pillows before he turned his face to me. God, at that moment I could only think of how lucky Megan was. She liked someone who liked her back, it was as simple as that and she was only trying to make it more complicated and difficult. Of course, she had no idea what it was like to be in love with an amazing guy, who could only see you as his little sister and it was nobody's fault. Really, she had no idea how fortunate she was.

"Are you playing 'truth or dare' or something?" I asked suspiciously, only to distract myself from his mesmerizing eyes.

"Oh, come on! What, can't I just want to join you?"Adam rolled until he was lying on his back.

"Of course you can!" Megan smiled and set on the bed again next to me. "We're having a girls' night."

"Yeah, I was just telling them my favorite kind of bras." I said enthusiastically. "You know a lot about it, so can totally jump in!" I barely had time to dodge away from a pillow in my direction. "Well, if you rather talk about make up…" I faked a sudden realization. "Wait! You can do that too!" They all laughed and I added, "Welcome to the club! I think you belong with us more than you do with them." Adam chuckled not showing any sign that it bothered him. Not that I was trying to hurt his feelings or anything. I knew he wouldn't mind some jokes on his part.

"He belongs with everybody, really." Lil noted and I couldn't have agreed more. Then there was another knock on the door and the moment Megan opened it, all of the guys entered the room one by one, very loudly, making it seem like there was an entire army of them and not only six people.

"Sh-shhh! Some people are actually asleep at three in the morning." Megan scolded and closed the door after all of them were inside, but they ignored her.

"What are you doing?" Anoop fell on the bed, landing between Adam and me. This bed was getting too crowded, if you asked me.

"Thinking about how to strangle you." Adam answered calmly.

"What?" Anoop could only chuckle before I covered his face with a pillow, making sure I hit him with it in the process.

"So how was your 'boys' night in'?" Lil asked teasingly.

"Are you jealous or something?"Danny teased back.

"Actually, we were having great time until you people showed up." I threw a meaningful look at Lil, then at Megan.

"I smell some juicy gossip!" Matt announced, moving his eyebrows suggestively.

"And now you have no hope to find out what it was about!" I answered in a clearly fake enthusiasm.

"Oh, come on!"

"Yep, you should've let me do the research by myself." Adam joked. "I already know the latest news."

"What?" Matt and Anoop asked one after another.

"Allie likes pushup bras." He said seriously and I could barely hold back my laughter. The guys made disappointed sounds before Adam continued. "And Megan's favorite color for underwear is red." He improvised. "Fascinating, isn't it?" He surely saved us some annoying questioning, not that we would really tell them what we were talking about. Then I noticed how Matt was looking at Megan, who was trying to ignore it. Okay, now it definitely made me angry at how stupidly they were wasting time and possibly chances to be happy.

I looked over at Adam. Yes, he was beautiful. Yes, he was an incredible person. Yes, he was most definitely a great friend. And yes, he was the dream of every girl in general and mine particularly. But I would've given anything to fall for someone else. It would've been so much easier… However, apparently life had other plans for me.

A sudden musical sound pulled me back from wonderland and I saw Adam slip out of the room unnoticeably with his cell phone in his hand. Everybody was busy joking and goofing around so they didn't really pay attention to Adam. I wouldn't have either, but it was Adam after all and everything even slightly connected to Adam had my full attention.

When he didn't come back in a couple of minutes I started to worry. Who could be calling him in the middle of the night? What if something bad happened? How bad could that something be..?

Eventually I gave up and followed Adam to the hallway. I opened the door just a little bit, to make sure he finished his conversation on the phone. When I saw he was still speaking, I fully intended to close the door and return to my place on Megan's bed. But Then I heard Adam's voice as he raised it slightly, still lower than it would be at a normal hour of the day.

"What do you mean it doesn't matter? I'm not pushing you to do anything." Adam sounded very serious and almost frustrated, but I couldn't see his face, because he was turned away from me. There was a short pause as he listened to the person on the other side of the line. "You just have to decide for yourself whether you want it or not, that's all." Adam leaned back against a wall, not looking in my direction. "What else do you need for a proof? It's there or it isn't. If it is, we'll figure something out. If not… There's not much to do." My heat seemed to stop. I wanted to close that damn door and not hear another word. But I was paralyzed, unable to move from my place. "Oh, for God's sake, Ben, you know exactly what happened that day!" I felt a cold wave washing through me, freezing and burning at the same time. Another silence, longer this time. "You know what? Forget about it. I can't ever respect a person so deep in denial. No, I said forget it. I don't want anything from you anymore." I forced myself to close the door, hearing his voice fading away. "I'm not just saying this to…" I hurried back to join the others, who haven't even noticed I had been missing. A mixture of hundreds of emotions was overwhelming me as I watched Adam come into the room again and sitting back on the other side of the bed. It hurt me to hear that conversation more than it should have.

Firstly, any reminder about Adam's sexual preferences was painful for me. Not because I had something against gay people. Not at all. It would've been completely fine, if it involved any other person except Adam. But as it was all about him, this kind of things just made sure I didn't forget I could never have the one guy I loved. Not very encouraging, is it?

Secondly, I was sure Adam had some romantic interest in that guy. And truth to be told, even though I knew he would never be with me and I truly wanted him to be happy with whoever was right for him, it still wasn't easy to deal with. I knew it would take me some time to adjust the idea that Adam would possibly be involved with someone. Because, honestly, who would enjoy the idea that their loved one was falling for somebody else?

However, none of my egoistic, immature and unpleasant aches could top the horribly powerful pain that was caused to me by Adam's pain. Nothing was more important to me than Adam's happiness. Not even my own.

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Tell me how you feel about it! =D


	3. Chapter 3

Hi guys!

So thanks again for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it.

Here goes another chapter... In this one something is actually happening! Yey! Even I was already getting tired of the 'no changes' period. Though it was sort of necessary. Okay… I'll let you read now.

Enjoy!

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3 – You can't avoid the inevitable

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It was another show on the tour and Adam was giving a spectacular show, as always, sending the 'souvenirs' he got thrown on the stage back to the audience. The number of those items and the variety was growing with each concert. I wondered how much more creative the imagination of our fans could get. After a while I started to play along, sometimes picking the items up myself, but no one could do it better than Adam, that's for sure. Besides, those presents were meant for Adam, not me, so I preferred to leave that game for Adam. Not to mention how much I enjoyed every movement of his when he did it...

Every time I got on the stage with him, singing, dancing and laughing with him I had a blast. I don't know how to explain that feeling, but I felt a special closeness to him during those performances. Not a romantic closeness or anything like that, of course. And not a sibling-like closeness. Just some kind of closeness to him as a person, regardless of my feelings to him or who I was to him. On the stage nothing ever mattered. It was always only the two of us, together, letting the song carry us away. On stage everything was clear and there were no secrets, nothing to hide. On stage there was no awkwardness and no pain, only smiles and joy.

I might sound pathetic, but I remembered each and every performance, because they were all special to me in their own ways. That night's concert, for example, Adam ended up lifting me from my feet and swirling around while hugging me after our duet. Ridiculous, but it was something special for me. Although that was definitely not the reason why that night is so memorable to me…

"Why can't we just stay in the room one night?" Megan whined. I practically dragged her to Adam and Kris' room, where everyone was meeting that night after the show. It was one of those rare times when we shared rooms with people and I was sharing mine with Megan, who made it very hard for me to convince her to come. She was avoiding Matt lately, or at least trying to, which was practically impossible under the circumstances of the tour.

"Because it's boring." I replied calmly.

"Come on, Allie, I'm tired. I'm going to bed."

"You'll have lots of time to sleep after the tour ends." I insisted. "Let's not waste what's left of this experience."

"You go." Megan said stubbornly, even though we were already standing in front of the door. I knocked on it instead of answering. "I hate you." She muttered under her breath.

"I love you too." I whispered back before Anoop opened the door, letting us in. "Hey, dude." I hit his fist with mine in a greeting gesture and walked past him into the room. The usual picture spread in front of my eyes: Adam, Lil and Matt sharing the couches, Kris in the armchair with a guitar in his hands, Danny and Michael in front of a laptop at the table and finally Anoop joining Scott on the carpet next to the window. Yep, definitely what I was used to see every other night. I sneaked a glimpse at Megan, who took a quick and quiet breath before pulling on a smile and greeting everyone.

"Danny, you know we don't get along well?" Adam's voice sounded almost serious as he didn't take his eyes off of the screen of the television. They were watching some cheep show about us.

"Yeah, I've heard." Danny chuckled from his seat. "Nothing new."

"Apparently you hate me." Adam informed him. I came up from behind the couch, stopping behind where he was sitting and wrapped my arms around his neck, planting a kiss on his cheek. Honestly, I couldn't help but thinking about how far we've come, as friends even. Months ago I wouldn't dare to do something like that and now it came out naturally, without thinking much or considering every move and touch. Of course I still felt the waves of heat and my heart still quickened its beats just as a reaction to Adam, but it was something I wasn't sure I would ever get rid of.

Adam stroked my forearms with his hand and leant his head back to look at me with those gorgeous eyes of his. I smiled at him as we heard Danny's answer.

"How can anybody hate you?" I couldn't have agreed more. I mean, what's there to hate?

"Oh, I'm so sinful and outrageous… and don't forget the fact that I'm gay!" Adam replied purposely being overdramatic.

"Right… Of course I hate you!"Danny exclaimed, the laugh giving him away. "God hates you… Everybody hates you!" Danny imitated a disgusted expression.

"Don't hate me, please!" Adam yelled, throwing his hands up theatrically and that had us all cracking up.

"Speaking of hating Adam," Kris spoke up. "I thought nothing could top his high notes, but today someone proved me wrong."

"Really?" Adam laughed. "Who?"

"There was one girl in the audience tonight… Gosh, how she was shrieking… I didn't know it was possible!" We were all laughing again by that moment. "Seriously, anyone who calls Adam a screech has to hear that girl."

"Thanks, man!" Adam said jokingly.

"Oh, I've got your back, dude." Kris smiled in his laid back kind of way.

"You're so nice!" Adam's eyes widened sarcastically, although he was still grinning.

"What wouldn't I do for my man?" Kris replied with a chuckle.

"You two should be more careful, or the press will find out about your relationship soon." Matt teased.

"Yeah, Kris, we should think twice before doing something in public." Adam agreed. "Seriously, everybody's already convinced I'm going to rape you or something."

"Nah, they think I'm going to…" Kris cleared his throat once, throwing a quick glance at me. "Sleep with you willingly." Here we go again… The sensor around the minor. So I wasn't eighteen yet, but I was a teenager and I had a TV at home… Did he really think he needed to filter his speech? How lame he thought I was? That was what I loved about Adam, well among the countless other things, he never thought twice through his words just because I was there. He just said what was on his mind, like he always did around his other friends. He never made me feel like a little girl in a room with nine adults. The others made me feel that kind of awkwardness sometimes, as if I should go to my room while they talk about grown up stuff, of course, it wasn't as obvious and not on purpose, I believe, but it didn't change the fact that I felt that way. "Very willingly." Kris added.

"Well, ravishing as I am…" Adam pulled on a seductive expression in response and we all laughed. Even I did, forgetting about what bothered me before.

Later into the night, after almost everybody left Adam and Kris' room, going back to their own rooms to rest. Kris was already asleep and I was sitting with Adam in the small kitchen so not to wake him up. Megan and Matt left together for a talk outside, but I preferred to wait a little bit before returning to our room, just in case.

"I think I'm losing my voice." I complained weakly. "I like my voice a little husky and all, but it's getting out of control." I was almost whispering by that point. I thought I sounded a little off for a few shows in a row now and all the extra talking and laughing wasn't helping much. "I'm afraid I won't be able to sing tomorrow." I said worriedly, rubbing my face with exhaustion.

"I know what you need." Adam said suddenly before getting up and turning away from me to look for something in the kitchen. When he didn't find it he left the room, without any explanation and got back in a couple of minutes with a big cup of steaming tea with honey. "Here you go." He set the cup on the table in front of me. It was spreading sweet aroma all around. "It should help."

"Thanks." I smiled at him. I have never been the over-emotional type of person, but I could hardly keep the tears from pouring out of my eyes. It wasn't the tea at all. It had more to do with the way he cared about me, so sincerely and openly. And the way he looked at me, a shade of concern in his warm gaze. And the way he smiled at me, as sweetly and joyfully as always… And then I couldn't help it anymore. "I love you, Adam." I spat out. I hadn't planned to say it, but the moment those words escaped my mouth I knew it was inevitable and I was doomed to tell him eventually. Maybe the events of that day and the overwhelming feelings pushed me to do so that very night, but I would have said those words to him one way or another, I just knew it.

"I love you too, sweetie." Adam's smile widened for a moment, then he kissed the top of my head and was about to turn around, when I caught his hand and pulled him back down, so his face was in the same level with mine.

"No, Adam, listen to me. I _love_ you." I repeated slowly this time. "Not like a sister loves her brother. And not like a person loves a friend. I love you like a girl loves a guy." I waited for his reaction. It didn't come. At all. It was by far the most frightening moment of my entire life. I swallowed hard. "Please say something." I pleaded after a few moments of heavy, torturing silence, my voice lower than a whisper.

"I wish you'd never said this." He breathed out. The shock in his eyes wasn't as fierce as I'd expected, it was overshadowed by another emotion or maybe more than just one… It seemed he was in some kind of pain.

"W-What?" The tears were evidently trembling in my voice.

"It would have been so much easier if you hadn't said this." He didn't move his eyes from mine, but it seemed like he really wanted to.

"You mean you knew about it?" I choked out. I felt my insides burning; starting from the stomach, all the way through the chest and up the throat, as if tongues of flames were captured inside of me.

"I suspected." He nodded. His voice was very quiet, tears trying to find their way out of his eyes, but failing and getting trapped just before they slid over the edge.

"And you never said a thing?" I asked breathlessly. It couldn't be true…

"What's the point? It's only going to be more painful and awkward now." Adam let out a shaky sigh and finally looked down. I didn't move my eyes.

I wasn't crazy, well not that much; I knew I won't be able to turn him straight or something. It's not like he was a teenage boy questioning his sexuality. He was a grown up man, who was certain and comfortable about the person he was. And I loved him for that among the many other reasons. But it was still excruciating to see him react that way to my confession. I still have no idea what I'd expected from him. Honestly, I don't think I'd expected anything; I simply hadn't thought of it, because I've never imagined I would tell him how I felt. It was so pointless, selfish, stupid… did I mention pointless..? It could do no good, only ruin our friendship forever. So what _in the world_ made me say those hideous words to him?

Surprisingly, though, telling Adam I loved him wasn't as difficult as I'd expected. It was hardly an effort, as I just spat it out in the heat of the moment. The much, much more challenging part was to deal with the consequences. But it turned out even worse than that, because I didn't know what the consequences were. I tried to read Adam's frozen face, but unsuccessfully, of course. I couldn't even imagine what was going through his mind during those moments.

"I'm sorry." It was all I could whisper. My eyes were wide and tearful when they met with Adam's eyes, as he finally looked up at me again.

"Oh, God." Adam breathed out and stood up, turning away from me. He put his hands on the kitchen's counter and stayed in the same position for what seemed like a very long time. After an eternity of that suffocating silence, he still didn't speak, or move for that matter. I could only listen to his slow, heavy breaths, not daring to say another word. I've said enough for that night, haven't I?

"Adam?" And still, I was the one who broke the silence. I was simply unable to bear that torture any longer. Although what could I hear from him that would make me feel better? It could clearly only get worse. And as the masochist I am… "I didn't mean to upset you." I added in a choked voice, trying to push the tears back. I had to be strong or otherwise I would fall apart…

"I'm sorry, Allie." He finally replied. "I shouldn't react like this…" He didn't turn around to face me. "You caught off guard." He sighed. I was barely breathing as he spoke quietly. "But I still should… I… I don't know what I should do." I saw him rub his face with one hand tiredly. "I'm supposed to know, but I really don't." Seeing him like that, so… lost, made me feel terribly guilty. And then he spun around, meeting my gaze with his agonized eyes… And I wished I could've stopped myself from telling him about my feelings. Nothing in this world, including me, was worth hurting Adam, and the pain was so evident in his eyes that it was terrifying.

"I wish I hadn't said this." I admitted and Adam smirked with irony.

"And what good that would've done?"

"You wouldn't have known and everything would've been the same." I answered, sighing heavily.

"I've always known, Allie, I told you." He let out a shaky laugh, which lacked any joy in it. "I guess I've just been in denial." I made an attempt to swallow, the tears making it harder and harder to breathe. I wasn't strong enough to keep those tears from pouring out, but I was very stubborn and at that point it was sufficient.

"Still, everything was normal until I said it." I shrugged. "Gosh, why do I have such a big mouth?" I added under my breath. Stupid, stupid me.

"It was not _normal_, Allison." He was a little harsh, which wouldn't have been so startling and hurtful, if it wasn't Adam. It was so different from what I was used from him… And it was all because of me. "We were constantly not being ourselves. Not fully, at least."

"Oh, and now it's better?" I tried to convince myself I was getting irritated at him, though I knew it was really me who I was so angry with. I mean, I was the one who ruined everything, wasn't I?

"I don't know." Adam looked very frustrated as he breathed out, running a hand through his hair.

"And who does? Not me, that's for sure." The anger pushed all the other feelings away, including guilt and fear.

"Allie, don't do it." He pleaded with exhaustion. And he was right, I knew it. The last thing we needed now was to fight… But again: I was very stubborn. And stupid. And childish. And hurt.

"Do what? It's not like either of us can change something." I knew I was being unfair. _He_ wasn't the one who came and turned everything upside down. _He_ wasn't the one who had fallen in love with _me_, although I could've done a lot of things to make it this way. _He_ wasn't the one to blame. Somewhere deep down inside I knew it and still, I couldn't help but be cruel. I guess it was a very twisted self-defense: to attack the enemy. Only it was hideously idiotic to even think of Adam as the enemy. Besides, I was already hurt and not by him really. He couldn't help it if he was so incredibly… perfect.

"So what do you suggest? Go on like nothing's wrong, as if it's possible? Or stop being friends and act like strangers?" Adam's patience, which used to seem endless, was running off, but he was determined to control himself. At the time I didn't consider I was not only blaming him for nothing, but also hurting him in the process. It didn't occur to me to think about the consequences, or anything at all for that matter. I was hurting and my mind seemed to refuse to function in those circumstances.

"You tell me, you're the grown up and wise one. I'm just a silly teenager." In truth, I simply didn't want to answer his question. I preferred neither, but I couldn't admit it, because I was too furious. Adam looked at me silently for a moment.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked finally.

"Just what I said." Okay, that was really unfair. He was the one person I could never honestly say to what'd said, because he's never treated me like I was just a silly teenager. He was probably the only one who has never done it.

"Allie, you know I –"

"Forget about it." I cut him off.

"We need to find a solution for this mess."

"There is no solution." I shook my head and stood up. "It's not your problem, I'm sorry you had to find out."

"What the hell, Allison?" He finally raised his voice and I didn't even know what to say, but I also didn't have the chance to answer.

"Hey, guys, what's going on?" Kris walked into the small kitchen, sleepily rubbing his eyes. Neither of us replied to him and we just stood there for a long minute. I looked away, but I could practically feel Adam's eyes on me. Then Adam simply walked out of the room and in a short moment Kris and I heard the door to their room opening and then closing. "What happened?" Kris asked worriedly.

I couldn't answer. I didn't even try to, honestly. He was saying something else, but I didn't pay attention to him. All I could think of was how stupid I was for doing what I've done. I stood there, not moving, not seeing anything around, hardly breathing; realizing I've made the greatest mistake of my life.

You know how they say you can never eat the cake and have it too? That used to be my situation with Adam. I could either enjoy the cake – aka my friendship with him and embrace the pain that came along, living with the constant fear that someday I would explode; or leave the cake be – which would mean keeping my distance from him and losing the friendship I cherished so much. I couldn't have both the friendship and the painless distance. But I also couldn't choose one of those options. I kept straggling on the edge, because our friendship could never be real while I was keeping my feelings from him… Well, we couldn't have honest and real friendship while I even had those feelings, but I also couldn't imagine not having even the masochistic option of staying close to him. Not that the distance assured much relief…

Now, what I did wasn't choosing. It was like dropping the cake on the floor: this way I neither ate it, nor left it whole. It just got irreparably ruined… wasted. I lost both the illusion of friendship and the hope to gain strength to put some distance between us and try to get over everything. I haven't been able to make the choice and eventually life chose for me.

And then everything changed.

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Please tell me your opinion, I really wanna know if the feelings and overall atmosphere of the chapter was expressed properly. At least a little bit. Did it make some sense? Or was it a complete mess? You get the idea.

About next chapter... I probably won't be able to update next week, but starting the week after this I'll have more free time and I'll be able to work on this story much more so I'll update faster. I hope. XD

Until next time!


	4. Chapter 4

Hellooooo! Here I am again...

First of all, thanks to everyone who read and those who reviewed in particular. I apriciate it a lot. XD

Now if you thought last chapter was too dramatic... wait till you see this one! It gets even a bit depressing at some point, but what did you expect? Rainbows and sunny summer days? Considering everything that's happened in the previouse chapter, NOT likely. I was going more to the rainstorms and grey clouds. Literally.

Enjoy!

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4 – Drama queen  
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When I said everything changed - I wasn't kidding. I was the one who changed the most, among the other things around me that were most likely affected by me.

I became the intolerable, grumpy teenage girl I've never dreamed to be. I didn't answer any of the questions about my behavior, quite frequently snapping at whoever asked. I hardly ever joined the 'group gatherings' since the incident with Adam and mostly avoided any conversations at all. Pathetic as it may seem, I simply didn't find a good enough reason to bother myself with efforts to talk to people and act like everything was normal. Yes, talking was an effort for me. It was all meaningless for me. I only found comfort in the concerts, giving everything I had with every song and then got back to my depressed self with no energy or desire to interact with people left. I left everything on the stage, each time.

Although even the singing part has become more like a job than a dream coming true. It wasn't as enjoyable as before, it was more of a temporary escape, the only way to get all of my pain and frustration out. Throughout my duet with Adam I was playing a role, putting on a worthy show. Now it was only that – a show, a lie. It's ridiculous, how this performance used to be pure joy for me and now it ended up being a torture, real agony. I knew I would have to get over what had happened and move on someday, but at that point I didn't have enough strength. I just wanted to bury myself under the covers in some dark hotel room and be left alone for a long, long time. I was in pain. And no one could help me. Or at least I wouldn't let anyone close enough to even try.

The strangest thing was that I haven't let one tear fall from my eyes ever since that night when I told Adam about my feelings. Well, when the feelings told about themselves. I guess I was trying to convince myself I was angry and not sad or hurt. On some level of subconscious I hoped anger would make me stronger and I wouldn't drown in misery. God, I was living in denial… It didn't help. Not one bit. It was only making me bitter and hard to be around, but I was too stupid to realize this at the time, so I just kept making everybody's life harder.

A couple of weeks later my behavior didn't improve, nor did my emotional state. I knew everybody saw it and wondered what had happened to me. Some were truly concerned and a few didn't give up on trying to figure out what was going on with me. But only one person knew exactly what happened. And apearantly this person had never spoken about the incident. One afternoon Adam caught me on the way to my room at the hotel we were staying at. He put his hands on my shoulders and bent a little to look into my eyes.

"What's happening to you?" He asked quietly.

"It's not your concern, Adam, I told you already." I replied harshly.

"Allie, please talk to me." Adam pleaded. "I've tried to give you space, but the distance doesn't seem to help." He sighed heavily. "I'm worried, Allie. You refuse to talk to anybody and you're definitely not yourself lately… I don't know how to help you, even though I know it's all my fault."

"It's not your fault and I don't want to talk." I lied. I desperately wanted to talk to him, to tell him what bothered me and let him comfort me like he used to. Only how could I tell him about my troubles, when they were all about him?

"Please, Allie, don't be like this. It's not you." He spoke with emotion, concern and pain mixing in his wet eyes. It was heartbreaking, but I was determined to stay cold, because it was too hard to handle feelings and I was already feeling my heart begin to pound powerfully.

"This is me. If you don't like it, it's not my problem." He didn't try to hold me in place when I stepped away from his touch and continued the way to my room. I bit my lip until it was bleeding to keep myself from crying or screaming. Adam hadn't made an attempt to talk to me again, but I knew it concerned him, even though I tried not to think about it. And I got back to being dark-mooded, closed and alienated. Oh, and bitchy too.

Take for example that day when we came earlier to the city and had the entireevening and the following morning for ourselves. Think I wanted it? Of course I didn't. It was bad enough when I was constantly busy with something and it could only get worse when I would have nothing to do. Usually I would've loved to spend a few extra hours with my friends, but now… I preferred not to think about my friends. Because the definition of the word 'friend' always was connected to one person in particular for me… So I hid. I locked the door to my room, which I didn't have to share this time luckily, and hid there.

People came knocking on my door, asking if I was feeling well, damanding to know what was wrong, trying to convince me to open the door... What did I do? I ignored them. Every single person. I even turned off my cell phone so I wouldn't have to pretend for my parents if either of them called. I wanted to be left alone to be able to sink even deeper in my misery and self-pity, without being obligated to put efforts into anything. It didn't last for long. Different memories came tourturing me and I couldn't get rid of Adam's image, which floated in front of my eyes whether they were closed or open. I tossed and turned from side to side for a long time, restless and on the edge of madness. So that's how love was? Cruel and painful? Disapointingly pointless? What was its purpose? To make you miserable? To cause you pain? To turn you crazy? Or just frighteningly lonely?

And then I decided to give up. I simply couldn't take it anymore, I had to get out, try to clean my head up a bit, calm down as much as possible. So I got up and left the room, wondering how much more time I would have to deal with this horrible state of mine. I figured it would probably be easier to hold mysef together if I were surrounded by people, but couldn't stand even the thought of being with someone I knew at that moment. I juast wanted to get away for a while, take those few free hours to gain strength for the upcoming show that night and the following days, during which I would be constantly surrounded by all the tour members and the crew. It wasn't easy to be so mean to them, believe it or not.

That's why I started to panic when I heard the familiar voices in the hotel's lobby as I was about to walk there. I peeked around the corner to see almost all of them at the entrence hall.

"Are you trying to steal my wife or something?" Kris joked as Adam wrapped his arm around Katy. I pressed to the wall as they started to walk towards the hallway so they wouldn't see me. The last thing I needed right now was an interogation about my behaviour.

"No, I'm more into the husband, actually." I heard everybody laugh at that. Damn, why was it so painful for me to hear it?

"Whatever, dude, just bring her back quickly." Kris replied. "I need some love." Katy giggled at that.

"Go find some fan of yours. They've got plenty of love for you." I heard Adam's voice slightly closer this time and I knew they started walking down the hallway. I made one step back.

"No way, man, she's my wife. You go find a fan!" I could almost hear the smile in Kris' voice.

"Nah, I don't need love from her. I need someone who knows me to give me a piece of advice." Even closer now. "I can't find it in a fan, sorry." One more giggle from Katy.

"Why don't you talk to me later? I need some time with my wife!" Kris wined, not completely joking.

"Because you can't give me advice on guys." Adam chuckled as everybody who was in the lobby burst out laughing again. "Control your hormones for a little while."

"Eww, Adam!" Kris cried in response. Adam's and Katy's laughs sounded dangerously close.

"Did he call?" Katy's voice was surprisingly quiet and serious.

"Yeah, but… I don't know… I'm not sure it's a good time for me to be in a relationship." They seemed to have stopped. I cursed silently. I wanted them to just pass the place where I was standing, so I could get out of there. For some reason I felt like I was suffocating.

"Well, do you like him?"

"Katy, it's not the problem. You know I do."

"Then nothing else matters."

"It's not that simple."

"The tour will be over soon."

"I know… I just need time to figure things out. He's… too much for me right now."

"What do you mean?"

"Look, I don't want to talk about this right now. I don't really need an advice about guys. I want your help with a girl." There was a long silence and I wondered if Katy passed out or something, but then Adam spoke again and I figured she was probably just staring at him in shock. "Not like that… Shit, this is just so messed up..." I heard him sigh heavily. I knew what he wanted to talk to her about. It was about me. My eyes filled with tears.

"Tell me." Katy encouraged. I closed my eyes, wishing I wouldn't have been forced to hear this.

"How do you deal with a girl who apparently has feelings for you when you're gay?" He paused for a moment. "Especially when this girl means so much to you and you don't want to hurt her." I pressed more into the wall, but now not in order to hide, but just for support. I had such a strong desire to scream, it was almost unbearable. I could hear them start walking again.

"She told you, didn't she?" Katy asked after a long pause. Their voices were now getting more distant instead of getting closer, so I knew they were walking farther into the hallway, away from me, but I didn't dare to look.

"Yeah, you were right." Adam took a deep breath in. "God, I wish she never told me this… I feel so guilty…" I didn't want to hear anymore. I wanted to get out of there and breathe… I needed to breathe. I felt like I haven't done it in a while.

"You can't do anything."

"I know, but it only makes me feel worse." Their voices sounded more and more distant. Before either of them spoke again, I turned around the corner and ran, without even looking. Not that I was able to see anything, as the tears were blurring my vision completely. I didn't stop in the lobby; I just kept running past everybody there until I was outside. I didn't give a damn about what they would think of me. I didn't even bother to throw a glance at them.

It was raining outside, but I hardly noticed as I stormed out of the hotel, heading in an undefined direction. Breathing didn't get easier, I just felt my chest burning inside from both sobs and running. I stopped running, trying to catch my breath and the urge to scream was stronger than ever.

I wished I could just let it all out, but I could hear someone running in my direction. I knew everybody saw me leaving the hotel practically hysterical. I knew they were all worried about me. I knew more than one person was coming after me. But, God, I wished they all would just go back to their businesses and leave me alone. I really didn't want to answer any questions right now.

"Allison!" I heard Megan's voice, followed by Kris' and Matt's. I tried to calm down, not bothering to wipe my tears, because the rain was pouring onto my face anyway.

"Allie, what's wrong?" Megan asked worriedly the moment she reached me. I seriously considered running away from them, but I shoved that thought aside, because I knew they would catch me in no time. I mean, I was in the middle of a city I've never been to before. I could run, but there was no place for me to hide… Ha-ha.

"Nothing." I lied shamelessly.

"Hey," Matt put a hand under my chin and raised my face up. I wished he hadn't done it. "Talk to us, what happened?"

"Nothing." I repeated stubbornly.

"Tell us, baby, you can trust us." Megan tried again; her voice was warm and gentle, very motherly. It was ridiculous, because she was only a few years older than me and usually I didn't feel that difference at all.

"Leave me alone! I really don't want to talk." My voice was very weak and I had to put a lot of effort to be heard in the rain.

"If you don't tell us, we can't help you." Matt went for the cliché he probably knew from movies.

"There's nothing you can do. There's nothing's wrong." I insisted, losing my patience. "Everything is right. Very right." I added under my breath. The worst part about the whole thing was that I didn't even have anybody to blame for my misery. It wasn't Adam's fault he couldn't love me in the way I wanted, it wasn't that guy's fault Adam liked him, it wasn't my fault I loved Adam… Everything was just the way it was supposed to be. So why did it hurt so much? If I didn't love Adam so awfully much, I would've hated him for being so perfect and gay. Why, oh why couldn't he be just perfect or just gay? He had to be both, damn it. But then again, even if he would've been into girls, he probably wouldn't like me anyway. But at least then I would've known for sure, after doing my best to make him look at me not like at a sister. And now there wasn't even a point in trying.

"I can't hear you, Allie. Come on, let's go inside." Matt raised his voice slightly.

"Yeah, you might get sick." Megan agreed. It was so frustrating. Why couldn't a girl be left alone when she wanted it?

"And it's bad for your voice." Matt tried another strategy, though I think he was just trying to make me laugh, which only made me want even more to cry.

"Oh, you look horrible!" Megan exclaimed when she saw my face as I stared at them. "You have to talk to somebody."

"Yeah, whoever you want, just say the name and we'll –" Matt was cut off by Kris, who was silent until that moment.

"Shut up both of you." He said calmly. "Don't you see she doesn't want to talk right now?" And then he pulled me to him, wrapping me in a hug and I let go, sobbing into his shoulder. I realized I was really crying for the first time in what seemed like forever and I couldn't control myself anymore. Kris just held me, not saying a word the whole time until I calmed down a little, desperately gulping air as the lack in oxygen was letting itself known. After a while, which I couldn't define by time measures exactly, Kris started to walk back to the hotel, not letting go of me. I didn't care where we were going and just let him lead the way to my room, where he wrapped me in a blanket and eventually left me with the girls, thinking I fell asleep. The truth was that I lay on my bed, eyes closed, for a long time after that, unable to neither fall asleep nor get up from the bed.

Lying there in the dark, throughout the whole knight, staring at the ceiling, I felt exhausted; completely worn out, as if all of my strength were knocked out of me. And I realized I didn't want to feel that way for the rest of my life. I didn't want to be bitter and miserable constantly, I didn't want to feel lonely when so many people surrounded me anymore. I didn't want to break down like I just had ever again. I wanted to get rid of the pain and be myself again.

I knew exactly what I needed to do, but I didn't dare to do it. I felt ashamed for my behavior lately and the way I acted the night before, so I didn't speak or look at anyone. I guess I've been so distant from them that no one really noticed any difference in me. And I knew I could only blame myself for that, but I did feel change. I wasn't angry at anybody; I didn't have the urge to snap at someone or the desire to scream. I did feel pain, shame and exhaustion though. Oh, and of course there was the permanent loneliness… But I was determined to stop all of this.

When the buses stopped at a gas station for refilling and a break for the drivers I still didn't talk to anybody. And everybody already knew not to talk to me. So I slowly walked to the boys' bus, each step costing me a monstrous amount of efforts as I practically forced myself to go on. Truth to be told, I was scared. To death. Simply terrified, not knowing exactly from what. Still, I made my way, reaching the destination in a long minute, and took in a deep breath, gathering all of my will and strength before entering the bus.

I knew who I would find there, because there were only two idols missing outside. One of them was me. And I wasn't wrong; as soon as I got in I saw an empty bus, except Adam, who was searching for something in his suitcase, not noticing me. I didn't move for a few seconds, just taking his beautiful appearance in. It seemed I hadn't seen him in a while, as if I spent those couple of nightmarish weeks away from everyone. In a way, I had. I guess all of this time I was looking, but doing my best so not to see.

My heart was already speeding its pace and force, so each beat echoed almost painfully in my ears. I tried to swallow as I felt the heat of blush rising up my neck, to my cheeks, eventually covering my face entirely. I cleared my throat softly. Adam turned his head to look at me and the moment he saw who was standing a few feet away from him, his expression became mostly shocked. Then he stood up from crouching in front of the suitcase to face me, but didn't say anything. I didn't either. I guess, neither of us dared to speak, so we just stood there, looking at each other silently, frozen. Honestly, I think that at that point he knew I gave up. He knew I was ready to talk to him and that I wanted to change the situation that formed. But I couldn't help but wonder whether he knew I actually _needed_ to talk to him. Not just anybody, I needed my best friend and he was standing right before me. Ironic, isn't it? I came to talk to my best friend about my complicated love troubles, when both the friend and the guy I was in love with were actually the same person. Damn, am I screwed up, or what?

The tears began blurring my vision at some point and I heard Adam exhale sharply before I felt his arms around me, taking my body in a warm, comforting hug. I closed my eyes, relaxing into his touch as he stroked my hair gently, whispering encouragements. I didn't even listen to what he was saying; I just listened to his musical, caring voice. And I knew then that it was what I needed this entire time. My best friend. Adam.

He pulled me to a bunk, taking a seat next to me and looked at me carefully. I wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand and took a shaky breath, knowing that was it, I had to talk to him.

"I don't know what to say." I admitted.

"Tell me whatever you want, I'm here and I really want to listen." Adam said seriously. I still didn't speak. "Why don't you tell me what it feels like?" He offered.

"What do you mean?"

"Everything. How it felt before you told me and how it feels now… what's going on in your mind… you know, what it's been like for you."

"Honestly, I don't know what's going on in my mind. It's a mess. I'm a mess." I sighed and buried my face in the palms of my hands.

"You're not a mess, sweetie, you're just confused." I felt Adam's warm hand on my back. It was both soothing and burning at the same time.

"Oh, I am confused. I feel too many things at once." I raised my head to look at him. "I wasn't angry with you. Not really. And not with anybody else either. Maybe only with myself for being such a… pain in the ass." Adam smiled slightly.

"It's okay, everybody knows it wasn't you. We all were just very worried about you."

"I know. And I feel so ashamed, but I couldn't help myself. I felt… I still feel frustrated and hurt and… lost."

"Lost?" He repeated.

"Yeah, like I don't know who I am and what's going on in my life." I paused for a moment. "Adam, I want you to know that what I said to you two weeks ago… It's true and I can't do anything about it. I'm confused about everything, but I'm sure about that." I saw Adam's face tense slightly, it was hardly noticeable, but I didn't miss it. "I didn't tell you that to make your life harder. I wasn't even intending to tell you, it just came out in the heat of the moment, but I did mean it. I'm sorry."

"Allie, you have nothing to apologize for. It's not your fault."

"So why does it feel like it is?"

"I wish I knew. But you shouldn't blame yourself. You're the one who suffers the most because of it. I just wish there was a way for me to let you free." I smiled sadly.

"I wish it was that easy too. You know, I tried to deny it and fight against it, I even tried to convince myself I love you like a brother, but nothing worked. I just had to admit to myself eventually that I fell for you." I looked straight ahead of me, too embarrassed to meet his gaze, but I could feel his eyes on me as I spoke. "At first it was just a crush, like the other girls had on you, then I was spending time with you and you made me feel things no one else had…" My cheeks were burning, but I kept talking. "You could smile at me, hug me, or even just look at me and my body would do all of those crazy reactions… I think I'm gonna get some heart decease because of you." I added the last part only jokingly, but now that you think of it… My heart really needed to get some rest. "No, seriously, it was enough for me to think about you and that strange… excitement would be set off…" Why was I talking in past tense, as if I'd gotten over him already?

"I'm sorry." Adam chuckled quietly.

"You should be." I wasn't talking very seriously, but I kind of meant it. "Why are you so damn perfect, Lambert?" Adam's laugh was quiet and a little embarrassed.

"I am _not_ perfect." That modesty of his… I call it denial.

"You're closer to it than any person I know." I shrugged.

"Allie…" Adam sighed heavily.

"Adam, I'm not giving you a complement, I'm telling you a fact." We were silent for a few moments. "I'm not telling you all of this because I think it will change anything. I know it won't. I know nothing will. I know you can't change who you are, but the strange thing is that I don't really want to. I love you just the way you are and if something in you had been different, it just… wouldn't have been the same. I know my feelings for you are pointless and plain masochistic, because it does hurt - a lot - but I can't make myself stay away from you. I like to be with you way too much. Even as a friend." I gave him a quick glimpse before continuing. "But now that I told you about my feelings it's so weird… so awkward. I don't know. It's so confusing…"

"You want to say you actually prefer the situation before? Come on, Allie, don't be ridicules. We were lying to ourselves and neither of us felt good about it. I know it's not easy now, but can you honestly say it was better before? At least now we can try to deal with reality. You have to figure a way to move on to be able to live your life. I'll do anything to help you with this, but I don't think I can. Although I do think that now that you've told me, you left for yourself no choice but to deal with it, which is what you need."

"I'm just… scared." My voice was suddenly barely a whisper.

"What are you scared of?" I heard him ask, but didn't reply. After another minute of silence Adam cupped my face with his hands and turned it to him, so I had no choice but to look into his eyes. "What are you scared of, Allie?" He repeated quietly.

"That…" I struggled to find the right words and to make myself say them aloud. "That I can never get over you…" I looked down. "And that I ruined everything by telling you how I feel… And that it will be too weird now… I mean, for us to be friends…"

"Sweetie, this will never happen." He bent a little to meet my lowered gaze, still holding my face between the palms of his hands. "You know why?"

"Why?" I gave up and looked straight into his eyes. The sight was as breathtaking as always.

"Because look at us right now," He smiled sweetly at me, melting my heart. "We are being friends." It took me a second to realize what he was saying, but then I suddenly knew exactly what he meant. We were friends even after I told him, even when I was telling him how hard it was for me to love him, even when my heart skipped a beat as he looked at me and he didn't know how to help me… We were friends first and foremost.

Then I pressed myself to him, wrapping my arms around his waist as he put his around my shoulders. The hug didn't feel romantic or anything, just warm and safe.

"It's gonna get easier, Allie, you'll see." Adam whispered into my ear.

"I hope so." I replied in evenly quiet voice, even though there was no one around to hear. I didn't cry anymore, I simply stayed in his embrace for another minute before leaning back to look at him. "I really want to know how you feel too. I know it wasn't easy on you either."

"Well, I suspected for a while that your… affection to me isn't like the kind of affection you have for a friend or a brother." I didn't correct him at the 'affection' part. I knew he chose this word purposely, to make it less embarrassing and not because he thought I had some silly crush on him. "But I tried to push that thought away. I guess I hoped it would just go away by itself. But it didn't, so I talked to Katy…"

"Why Katy? You and Kris are like best friends."

"We are, but Kris is too involved… I mean, he's a good friend of yours too, so it would be uncomfortable. Besides, Kris isn't very good at solving problems. He's a good listener. He would listen to me for hours until he falls asleep in the middle of my sentence," We both chuckled at that, knowing how true it was. "But he's not much of an adviser."

"Okay," I nodded, encouraging him to continue.

"So I told Katy what I was worried about and she thought I was right. To my horror, she said it was like a bomb with a countdown and it was only a matter of time until you either tell me or start ignoring me. I think both happened." He bit his bottom lip. "And I felt so guilty and helpless…"

"But it's not your fault." I protested.

"It's not yours either." He pointed out. "I couldn't help but feeling this way. That night I first saw you act like you did and it was… terrifying. Not because of what you said, but because of the look in your eyes… God, there was so much pain in them and I knew it was all because of me. Then you closed inside yourself and became a stranger no body recognized or liked. Again, I knew I was the reason for all what you were going through. And I didn't know what to do. You pushed me away when I tried to talk to you and I knew you were trying to protect yourself from more pain…" Wow, even I didn't know that. "I felt so, so guilty and helpless. I saw you suffer and it hurt me so much… I just hoped you would come back to normal and the state you were in wasn't permanent, because the thought about the possibility that I might've changed the wonderful person you are in such a horrible way… it was excruciating. Unbearable." Tears were welling in my eyes by the time he finished, but I fought them back. Man, I had to get a grip on myself; this tearfulness was getting out of control.

"I'm so sorry for everything." I said quietly.

"Don't be silly." He pulled me into another hug, pressing me to his chest. "I've missed you." I knew exactly what he meant. It felt like we haven't seen each other in months.

"Me too."Adam ruffled my hair.

"Well, now that we cleared everything and got over all of the drama, let's go and have some fun." He leaned back and grinned at me.

"What do you wanna do?" I asked. Before he could answer we heard steps in our direction and soon enough Megan was standing in front of us.

"Hey guys," She said slowly, sounding hesitant, as if she wasn't sure whether she was in the right place.

"Hey," Adam and I replied one after another.

"What are you chatting about here all by yourselves?" Megan asked, visibly trying not to look too curious or serious.

"Sex, of course. What else could I talk to Allison about?" Adam replied calmly, rolling his eyes theatrically, as if it was completely obvious. Megan snickered and I held a laugh back.

"I thought I was the one you talk to about that." She set down on the bunk in front of us. "You're such a talk-slut!" Megan teased and all of us burst out laughing hysterically. "Look who's back…" She said with a smile, looking at me as I brushed away a tear that escaped from so much laughter. I smiled back and it felt easy and natural again. I felt like I could breathe again. Such a relief…

* * *

Okay that's it for now... It was extra-long this time, but I hope you liked it. Tell me eather way! =D


	5. Chapter 5

Hi everyone!

Thanks to all the readers, as always and special thanks to those of you who reviewed! I'm glad you enjoy the story and hope you won't be disappointed...

Okay, so this chapter is mostly very light and fun, especially compared to the previous ones (hence the title...), so I hope it will be fun to read as well.

Enjoy!

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5 - Laughing out loud

When we left the guys' bus that day and joined the others to my surprise, no one asked questions. The only evidence they noticed I was mostly back to normal were their curious and quite obvious looks, which they threw constantly at me. I guess they didn't dare to ask me anything, afraid anything could cause my previous behavior to come back. Well, it would've been pretty stupid to expect that my actions wouldn't have consequences. I knew it will probably take some time before everything could be back to normal. More or less.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked Megan when we were both sitting on the bed in my hotel room a couple of days later.

"Since when do you need permission?" Megan smiled.

"It's kind of personal…" I explained.

"Shoot."

"What's up with you and Matt?" I decided to get straight to the point.

"What do you mean?" Oh, so now she was playing innocent?

"About two weeks ago, when…" I tried not to notice the pang in my heart the memory of that night. "When you were supposed to talk to Matt... What happened?"

"We talked." She said simply and I felt the frustration grow inside of me.

"Come on, Megs, you know what I mean." I whined.

"I didn't sleep with him, if that's what you're asking." She laughed.

"Megan!" I raised my voice slightly. "I'm serious, are you guys together or not?"

"Of course not." Megan was suddenly very serious. "I told you I don't want a relationship with him."

"So what was the talking for?"

"To explain that to him." Megan tried to stay casual, but failed miserably. I looked at her for a minute without speaking.

"How did he take it?"

"He tried to… look indifferent." She shrugged. I had a sudden desire to tell her to look in the mirror.

"Was he any good at it?"

"Horrible." Megan laughed without much humor. "It was so hard to watch." She admitted, looking into my eyes. And then I knew I had to do something. I couldn't be so selfish to not use what I had if there was even the slightest chance it would help.

"Megan, I think you're being stupid."

"Gee, thanks!" Megan said sarcastically, laughing. But my lips didn't even tremble and when she saw my expression, her smile faded as well. I took a deep breath in, gathering all of my strength.

"I told Adam I love him." I said at last, firmly and surprisingly calmly. Megan stared at me for a long minute of shock. "And yes, exactly in the way you think." I added.

"You're serious?" She managed to ask.

"Absolutely." Megan blinked twice, probably expecting me to burst out laughing or tell her she misunderstood.

"You're… in love with Adam?" She choked out.

"Yes, Megan, I'm totally in love with him, have been for a long time and probably will be for a while." I said impatiently. I really didn't want to discuss my feelings to Adam at that point. "I told him three weeks ago. That's why I've been so weird lately."

"What did he say?" Megan was almost whispering.

"He didn't know _what_ to say. But it's not why I'm telling you this."

"Why haven't you told me before?"

"Megs, it doesn't matter. I wouldn't have told you even now, if I didn't think it was necessary. Honestly, it's not the most pleasant thing to talk about." I bit my lip, pausing for a moment, but then continued. "Adam could never love me back, no matter what I do." Damn, why were those words so painful for me? Actually, I knew exactly why. Because they were the naked, horribly irreversible truth. Ouch.

"Allie…" Megan reached out to touch my arm, but I shook my head.

"Look, I don't want you to feel sorry for me or something. I'll survive." Hopefully… "But like I said, I don't have the privilege to chose if I want to be with the person I love or not. You do." I looked into her eyes, making sure she knew how serious I was and that I meant every word. "But you take it for granted, because you can't even imagine what it's like not to have it."

"I…" Megan was speechless, so I continued, speaking quietly, but firmly.

"You have no idea what I would do to have the kind of choice you have. Just for the slightest chance he could return my feelings…" I had a hard time keeping the damn tears inside, especially as Megan's face was already wet from crying. "But I can never have the guy I love. I can't even fight for him. You don't even need to fight, he's all yours. So please, Megs, don't miss such a chance to be happy. It might not come again. And don't deny Matt his own happiness." There was a long silence in the room before Megan finally spoke.

"Wow, Allie…" Megan struggled to find the right words. "I had no idea…"

"That I can sound like a dramatic character form some cheesy romantic comedy?" I joked.

"I had no idea about anything… You're…"

"Relax, Megan, I'm fine. I know it sounds a bit dramatic, but that's how I feel. Just think about it, okay?"

"Yeah."

***

"Hey, Allie!" Adam called and I turned around.

"Hi!" I smiled at him and waited until he reached me.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm looking for Megan. Why?"

"Because Megan already left." It was Saturday and we had some free time, so we decided to go out for lunch together, since the tour was coming close to an end. It would only make sense the ten of us would spend the rest of our time together on this tour together, making the best of it. Although I tried not to think much of the end, because I knew I would miss everybody and everything on this tour terribly. One person particularly…

"Left?" I raised an eyebrow in surprise. Why would Megan go without me?

"With Matt." Adam added, giving me a meaningful look.

"Oh!" I exclaimed and both of us held back laughter. "Okay… Finally!"

"Yeah…" Adam nodded in agreement. "But you can come with me. Come on, my car is cooler!" His eyes widened with excitement.

"Um… sure… thanks." I don't know why, but I felt sort of intimidated. I mean, we've been talking and spending time together ever since we sorted things out, but never alone. This was going be the first time with just the two of us after our conversation and I felt nervous about it. Ridiculous, I know. I called myself stupid about a dozen times in my head, but couldn't do anything about it.

"Come on," He opened the door to let me into the passenger seat of his car. "Everybody's waiting for us." I smiled and took the offered place. It was a little awkward at first, but then one a familiar song started to play on the radio and Adam soon began to sing along with it. And of course it was impossible to ignore him, so it didn't take long before I joined him, singing almost as loudly as him. This broke the ice and in a matter of minutes we started talking unstoppably, all tension gone and forgotten. We discussed a few movies, arguing half of the time; then he told me about the book he was reading and I told him about the song I was recording afterwards we fantasized about ice-cream and soufflé… and suddenly it was so effortless and fun, almost as if nothing had happened. We were certainly closer than we had been months ago, but most of the awkwardness faded away, along with the uncomfortable silence.

Of course, I haven't gotten over him in a few minutes. That would've been ridiculous, because feelings like those that I had for Adam didn't just go away in a blink of an eye. Honestly, I doubted they ever would. But at least I got rid of that heavy mixture of loneliness, pain and rage that has taken over me for the last few weeks. Somehow, I didn't feel so helpless and hopeless anymore. I was hanging out with my best friend, who I adored – no matter what other feelings I had for him – and enjoyed every moment with him. For goodness' sake, how could I feel frustrated or sad?

I knew Adam was right. Even before I told him how I felt, it wasn't right. Especially lately, when every movement of his caused a million reactions, both mental and physical, to me. I haven't really been enjoying his presence for a while now, as the knowledge he would always only be my friend constantly darkened any human interaction I had with him. Look at the facts: I loved Adam. He could never love me the same way. I could never stop loving him. How could I be happy? It was a dead-end. A knot that couldn't be unleashed. A tunnel without a light in the end.

What was different now? Nothing. The situation was as unsolvable as always. There was still no way to change any of the aspects. But now I probably had a little more fate. I guess I finally started to believe that I could live with everything. Live with my feelings for Adam and the fact that he would never be mine, live being always next to Adam, but never with him… I figured I would much rather be myself, next to him, feeling all I felt than to be a bitter girl in the darkness, staying away from the person I loved the most.

And then I just let go.

I didn't bother to think twice over every word I said and to analyze Adam's every move; I tried to relax and just enjoy the pleasant conversation we shared. The topics seemed to be endless and only then did I realize how much I'd missed this really. Of course, it wasn't completely natural yet and sometimes I would catch myself staring into his bottomless, brilliant eyes or at his irresistible lips, carved into a sweet and genuine smile, or feel my heart skip a beat at some gesture, move or even word of his… Well, one step at a time, I guess. I knew it would take time, but I also knew it was the right thing.

And then, in a blink of an eye, there it was - the end of the tour. Our last concert flew by faster than any other previously and before we knew it, it was finally over and we were heading to our last hotel of the tour to stay the night. Obviously, there was no sleep involved in our plans for the night. The adrenaline in our blood erased all the exhaustion, postponing it for the next morning, when we would eventually say goodbye and go back to our separate lives.

We all gathered in one room, not remembering all caring who was supposed to share rooms with whom. Singing, laughing and yelling, we were extremely loud as we passed along the hallways, drunk from exacting euphoria rather than everything we drank that night.

"Okay, okay, I want to say something!" Matt stood on a chair to be higher than everybody else. "It was a pleasure to be one of the top ten with you!" He was stretching words more than usually, but no one bothered to get irritated this time.

"To the best top ten ever!" Adam raised his plastic cup with champagne and we all followed his example, repeating his words loudly. "Okay, guys, listen up!" He called after a few more minutes of enthusiastic talking. "Kris and I talked last week and thought that we all should have something that would remind us of the tour, American Idol and each other."

"Hence the nails polish on Kris again?" Matt asked pointing on Kris' fingers, one of which was painted black.

"No, this was so called 'closing the circle'." Adam chuckled, showing one of his nails, which was lacking the usual black color. "We were thinking about souvenirs, actually. Something small for each one, but special. Symbolic, I would call it."

"His idea." Kris gestured with his thump to the side, where Adam was standing.

"Don't be shy, Kris." Adam rolled his eyes teasingly as Kris chuckled and walked to the door. "Anyway, so we got a few things… They're mostly inside jokes." Kris left the room as Adam spoke and came back quickly with a carton box in his arms. "Thanks," Adam said as Kris put the box on the table next to Adam, who was leaning back against it. "Let's see… Oh, I think you would all agree that this object would be the most suitable for Matt…" Honestly, I don't think it surprised anybody when Adam pulled out a hat out of the box, but we laughed anyway. It was the kind of hat that Matt would definitely wear, if it didn't have the blue 'Idol' label on the front of it. Seeing the tag made us laugh even harder than before as the hat was passed between us until it reached Matt's hands.

"Okay, okay, I totally earned it." Matt agreed, still laughing.

"Yeah, you did!" Megan pointed at the hat Matt was wearing at the moment, then pushed it down slightly until it covered his eyes.

"Michael!" Adam called, pulling out the next item, which happened to be a thick notebook with a familiar picture of the 'Top Ten' on it. "It's about a thousand pages. We thought this one would be enough for all of the songs you'll write." Before we could laugh again, he added: "For the next month or two…" Then we could laugh… A lot.

"Thanks guys," Michael replied when he could speak again. "I think it'll do until next year."

"Let me write it down," Adam said jokingly. "Now I know what to give you for your next birthday!"

"Yeah, don't forget!"

"Okay…" Adam looked into the box again and a wide smile crossed his lips. "Lil… Since you like comfortable shoes so much…" Adam pulled out a pair of pink slippers with huge bunnies on the front.

"Oh my freaking…" Lil trailed off and then we all started laughing hysterically again.

"They're probably the biggest pair I've ever seen!" I said, approaching Adam to look closer. "That's so cool!"

"Thanks!" Lil hugged both of the guys before taking off her shoes and putting on her new slippers. Not that they were very wearable or practical for everyday use, but they were absolutely adorable.

"They were too hilarious to pass by." Adam explained with a smile, crossing his arms on his chest calmly.

"We're glad you like them." Kris said, pulling out of the box a small object. "Okay, this is so much more useful." Kris chuckled. "Scott, no one can talk so much on the phone like you do. Not even Adam." We laughed, knowing it was the truth. "So we thought that a wireless earphone is –"

"Perfect for me!" Scott finished Kris' sentence enthusiastically. "Thank you, guys. Though you really shouldn't have…"

"So, next!" Adam ignored Scott's last sentence and Kris reached into the box again.

"Anoop…" Kris announced slowly, in his lazy manner. "It wasn't as easy as some other things… But then we thought it would be the object that could sum up your way on Idol." Kris pulled out the small item, but no one figured out what it was at the first sight.

"As one wise and evil man said: you were like a singing Yo-Yo in this competition." Adam explained and then suddenly I recognized the object Kris was holding. It was a Yo-Yo. Apparently everybody else realized it in the same time as I did, because we all cracked up at once, laughing even harder than before.

"Look, it has our picture on it too!" I was the first one to notice it, because I stood closer than everybody else.

"Seriously?" Anoop came closer to examine the present.

"Enjoy your toy, kiddo." Adam teased, earning a sarcastic glare from Anoop. Well, it was supposed to be a sarcastic glare, but it ended up being a ridiculous expression on his face, combined with the grin he wasn't able to hide. "You're welcome, baby."

"Right…" Kris cleared his throat and looked inside the box, smiling at the sight of something. "Okay… Adam? Do you want the honor?"

"Sure… Which one? Megan? Okay." This time he pulled out an object that was very clear to everybody. A bird. A very, very funny bird, that can't even be described. We cracked up again even before anyone can say anything.

"This… is… so cute!" Megan tried to speak between laughs.

"I'm glad you like it. It wasn't easy to find something good enough."

"Thanks, guys!" Megan hugged them as well, holding on to Adam a little longer than to Kris. Well, he didn't have a wife that could misunderstand something. There could be no doubts about him. Sadly.

I was very determined to not think about Adam in any not-only-friendly way that night. No matter what, I wasn't about to ruin my last night on the tour and waste it on pointless self-pity and melancholy. It's just that sometimes it was a little stronger than me… Before I could lose the fight against myself, Adam spoke again.

"All the credit for the next gift goes entirely to Danny."

"Danny?" Matt and Anoop asked together.

"Me?" Danny seemed more surprised than any one of us.

"Yeah, the idea was totally inspired by you. Allie," He turned to me with a smile. "We want you to always be as energetic and fiery as you've always been." He reached for my present into the box. "Well…" He held out a huge – about a foot long huge – buttery. It had another photo of the top ten on it and my name in big letters.

The room roared with laughter. It took awhile before any one of us could stop laughing. I bent slightly of laughing so hard, trying to ketch my breath and looked up at Adam and Kris through the tears that filled my eyes. They weren't as hysterical as all of us, they simply watched us with smiles on their faces, but it was probably because they've seen that… _thing_ before. I wondered who thought about that. Actually, I think I had a pretty good idea.

"Oh my God…" I let out a shaky breath. "That's… Amazing!"

"We thought it would represent you the best." Adam shrugged and looked at Kris, who nodded approvingly.

"This is perfect! Thanks so much, guys!" I hugged both of them at the same time. Well, a group bear-hug was a much better idea for me than the other alternative… Which was hugging Kris and then Adam… One by one… Tightly… No, I wasn't that comfortable with everything yet. Give me some credit for not giving in to the temptation to act irresponsibly.

"Seriously, dude, it's an awesome idea!" Matt noted. "How did you even come up with it? I'm not even sure I want to know where you got this."

"Yeah, everything is cool, but this –" Anoop pointed at the over-sized battery. "Is the best by far."

"Totally," Megan nodded in agreement. "It suits the best."

"Don't be so sure about it." Adam grinned and winked at Kris, who held back a smile and sent his hand into the box one more time.

"I think, it goes without words." He raised another enlarged and useless object: a pair of very colorful, plastic glasses.

"Ah, Danny, they'll look so good on you!" Lil called loudly before we started rolling with laughter again.

"Okay, yeah, I'll take it." Danny replied, still laughing. "They're actually cool. A little too big, but cool." He joked and took them from Kris to put on. They were about the double size of his usual glasses, but not the same shape; they were almost round instead.

"I told you it'll work." Lil said, crossing her arms smugly, making us all laugh again.

"That's it, right?" Kris asked Adam, who smiled widely in response.

"Not exactly." He had a mischievous expression on as he reached for his bag. "There's one more."

"What do you mean?" Kris looked around, obviously looking for someone he forgot about.

"What about you?" Adam said taking out of his bag something that was wrapped in a wrapping paper.

"You got something for me?" Kris asked in surprise as Adam handed him the package. "How come I didn't know about it?"

"What did you expect? That I would consult with you or something?" Adam laughed. "Come on, open it!" He ordered excitedly, looking more enthusiastic than Kris himself. On second thought, everyone looked more excited than Kris. Always. That's just how he was.

"Okay…" Kris tore the paper to reveal a plaid shirt, which included a few shades of brown and beige and looked no different from any other shirt of Kris'. Everybody, including Kris, reacted as they did to all the other gifts, but then Kris lifted the shirt and we saw the black letters on the back of it. They said 'I'm the winner, U losers!'. It's needless to say how hard we laughed at that…

"That's… Funny." Kris concluded, clearing his voice when he could speak again. "Thanks, man."

"No problem, winner!" Adam beamed at him.

"But you didn't think we'll leave you without a souvenir, right?"

"What?"

"That would be so unfair…" I added with a smiled, impatient to see his reaction.

"Allie and I did some thinking..." Kris motioned for me bring out the present, so I reached for my backpack to get it.

"I knew there was a reason she wouldn't let go of this bag!" Adam laughed. I turned my back to him so he wouldn't see the item before I fully withdrew it out of the bag. Although I was pretty sure everybody already knew what it was. I mean, come on! It's Adam we're talking about!

Anoop hit the coffee table a few times, drumming the melody of anticipation, as if something hugely important was about to happen or a big secret about to be revealed. I chuckled at that and finally turned around to face Adam. In my hands I held an abnormally enormous black bra with spikes and gliter all around it and on one of the gigantic cups was written in silver paint 'Glambert'. Yes, everybody knew what it would be, because it was too obvious to ignore, still everybody laughed, shouting "Cool!" and "Wow!".

"It turned out even better than I thought." Kris noted with a smile. It was the first time he saw it ready, because I was the one to pick it up from the place we'd ordered it from. Adam laughed under his breath and bit his lip, looking at the bizzar item.

"This is absolutely fantastic!" Adam said excitedly, taking the gift to examine it closely. "It's a really good piece of work. I'd call it art!"

"Try it on!" Matt suggested jokingly.

"Nah, it's not my size." Adam replied almost seriously and everyone laughed for the countless time that night. "Thank you so much! I love it!" As if on some unspoken command, everyone got up and came close to the center of the room, meeting in a huge group-hug. It was so surreal, impossible to believe that the tour was truly over. No more Idol concerts together, no more night 'gathering', no more shared buses... no more Idol. We were officially out to the real world. Unbelievable. Unacceptable. Unchangeable.

I felt like crying.

"Food, anybody?" We heard a familiar voice and the next moment all the crew was inside the room, congratulating and hugging us. They brought a huge cake with them, which was quickly sliced and partly eaten.

"Good cake." Danny noted, his words coming out a little muffled, since his mouth was half-full with the desert.

"By the way," I noticed Adam wink at me as he was speaking. "If we're talking about cakes and closing the circle..." And the next moment Adam's plastic plate with the creamy cake was shoved into Danny's face.

"Not again!" Danny wined, still laughing when all the room cracked up again, his face covered with white cream.

"That was good, man." Kris told Adam, who smiled widely and patted Danny's back.

"It wouldn't be complete without it." He explained. "At least you know it's the last time food is covering your face." Everybody was quiet for a long moment. "Probably." He added and we were practically crying from so much laughter.

"I wouldn't count on it, if I were you, though." I told Danny, pointing at my own plate.

"I feel naked." Adam told me jokingly a little while later, when everyone were still caught up in the celebration, looking down at his chest and hands that were lacking jewlery and some closing items, since we threw most of our accessories to the audience that night.

"You really can't live without all that stuff, can you?" I laughed.

"Of course I can." He waved his hand. "I'm just used to it so much, that now I feel like something's missing." We both chuckled a little at that. "I'll get new stuff, though."

"And we all know how much you love new stuff..." I noted and we cracked up again.

"Can you believe it's really over?" He spoke again after a small pause and I knew he referred to the tour.

"Not really. I'm not sure I want it to end yet." I admitted.

"I know what you mean, but we have a lot to be looking froward for." Adam smiled at me warmly. God, I was going to miss that smile so damn much. He must've noticed me staring at his lips, because he cleared his voice softly and looked ahead of him. "Although I am going to miss everything. All the crazy stuff..."

"The bras and panties..." I added casually. Adam gave me a light push, not really upset by my comment, and then wrapped his arm around my shoulders in a somewhat brotherly manner. Oh-o...

"That too." He laughed. "And all the guys... But we'll keep in touch, as much as we can."

"Yeah, we'll have a reunion meeting in ten years." I joked.

"Not a chance. How can I survive for ten years without my favorite little sister?" I ignored the couple of lacking beats of my heart and pressed into his side, wrapping my arms around his waist.

* * *

That's it for now, people! Don't forget to tell me what you thought of it! =D


	6. Chapter 6

Hey guys!

As always, thanks for reading and reviewing!

I want to apologize for not updating last week, it's just been crazy with New Year's and everything...

Speaking of which, I wish everyone a glamorously fabulous year with a lot of smiles and only the brightest feelings!!!

Here we go with another chapter... It isn't as long as some others, but it felt like a whole and I didn't want to add the next piece, because it's kinda long. Though it's not that short either.

Enjoy!

* * *

6 - Welcome to the family

.

For a few very busy weeks after the tour ended I haven't been able to see anyone from Idol, including Adam. It was crazy for all of us and I actually found it sort of beneficial for me. I mean, a little while away from Adam could only be good for me, give me the chance to calm down a bit and cool my feelings slightly. Besides, I had to get used to the idea that I wasn't going to see him every day anymore and that we wouldn't be able to spend as much time together, if at all. I knew all of this and I was actually glad I could finally take a step back and just live a while my Adam-less life…

Alright, who am I kidding? It was terrible. I realized that that was how it was going to be from now on, but it doesn't mean I had to like it. Honestly, I pretty much hated it. When I had time to do so. And you can call me addicted of obsessive, because it probably wouldn't be far from the truth, but no one could blame me for missing my best friend. Especially when this friend is Adam Lambert.

We've been talking on the phone from time to time and sometimes met at different events, but we never got to meet and do something together or even just hang out. I knew it wasn't going to be the same now, but I started to wonder if we would ever spend some time together again. Every time I voiced this fear to Adam though, he would make a joke about our reunion meeting in ten years.

Well, at least we kept in touch by phone calls and texts. Sometimes our conversations could last a long while as we would talk about everything and anything, tell each other all the news about our lives, share thoughts and opinions, discuss happenings or events that interested us... There was only one thing Adam would not talk about - his lovelife.

I'd be the first to admit it wasn't my favorite topic to think about either, but we were friends and I was trying to get past those romantic feelings I had for him, so I figured I probably should know who he was with how it was going. Besides, honestly, I was pretty curious about that Ben guy... Still, he avoided the topic and I never dared to ask directly, as he kept smoothly changing the subject when it came to personal life and such.

To tell you the truth, I wasn't usually too excited about photos in magazines. Not mine and not of other people, even those I admired or those I actually knew. Honestly, I didn't like to see my own face on the covers or in articles at all. For some reason, I always felt self conscious and uncomfortable with anybody seeing pictures of me that were taken professionally. I much preferred the ones I shared with friends and family, which were photographed spontaneously and captured precious moments. Maybe this was the reason why I didn't pay attention to photos of my friends either. Usually. But I simply couldn't stay indifferent towards the latest pictures of Adam in Detail magazine. I stared at each picture for what seemed like hours, unable to tear my eyes off of the paper. Can you blame me, really?

And no, it had nothing to do with the fact that he was photographed with a girl. And I really didn't want to kill the model for being there with him in such intimate poses. What? Can't a girl simply enjoy a good view? Just because I had feelings for that guy, didn't mean I had to be jealous of the girl, even when he was holding her that way. Why would I want to torture myself this way? All I felt about those photos was sincere joy for Adam and objective pleasure to see such beautiful art. Yeah, that's it. Why don't you believe me?

"Adam!" I shouted into the phone as soon as he picked it up and I heard his greeting from the other side.

"Yeah?!" He replied with a matching tone of excitement, laughing at my enthusiasm.

"Listen, I have to tell you that the pictures are hot!" I exclaimed, knowing he would understand which pictures I was referring to.

"Thanks." Adam laughed in response. It sounded like he was just being polite and didn't take my complement seriously.

"I'm sure I'm not the first one to tell you." I noted, wondering why he was reacting that way.

"No, I've been told they're good." He said a little indifferently.

"Um… I would say _you're_ good."

"Come on, don't exaggerate, there's a lot of Photoshop involved."

"Should I remind you that I'd actually seen you in reality?"

"I don't look like that in reality."

"No, you don't. You look better." It felt so good to be able to speak my mind freely, without feeling embarrassed about it. Now I was honestly saying it as a friend. Not that I didn't have to take a few calming breaths when I saw the pictures. Though show me girl who didn't…

"You'll make me blush." Adam joked.

"Too bad I don't get to see it." The attraction was still there and obviously none of the feelings were going to fade away that easily, but now they didn't prevent me from being myself around him. "Come on Adam, being shy doesn't suit you."

"I'm not shy!" He laughed. No, he wasn't. He was just being his usual humble self. It never stopped to amaze me how unaware he was of his almost-perfection. "I'm flattered of course; I just think you guys exaggerate. It's an amazing work of the photographer, really."

"Yeah, he painted you from imagination." I agreed sarcastically. "Remember how we argued about who's crazier?"

"Yeah," He laughed at the memory.

"So you win. You are absolutely and utterly insane, if you think you're not hot!" I soon joined his booming laughter and it took both of us a while to cool off. "Anyway, I also wanted to ask if you wanted to come to the studio to morrow and listen to the record."

"It's done?" I could clearly hear a smile in his voice.

"Yeah. Wrapping it up tomorrow."

"That's great, sweetie, congratulations!"

"Thanks." I smiled, but couldn't hold back a sigh. "I hope people like it."

"What are you talking about? They'll love it!" He assured me.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because you're ridiculously talented and you've got a great team with you, so there's no reason why the record wouldn't turn out just awesome." I couldn't help but trust his reassuring promises. Maybe it was something about his confident voice, or the fact that he was always right, or maybe just because it was Adam. Still, the result was the same and he left me feeling much less nervous and stressed. "I gotta go now, Allie, but I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay." I answered, feeling a little sad that our conversation had to end so soon. "So you're coming tomorrow?" I then asked hopefully.

"Sure. When do you want me to be there?" I smiled to myself and told him the details.

The next morning Adam joined me at the studio as we listened throughout the entire record. He didn't say a word the whole time and when I sneaked glimpses at him, I couldn't tell what he was thinking from the expression on his face. My sister constantly threw comments, the producers and all the people who worked with me on the album expressed their opinions and discussed some details between songs... But Adam was completely silent, appearing not to hear any of our whispers and comments. My curiosity slowly turned to nervousness and I couldn't wait for the last song to end. I don't know why I was so anxious, probably because Adam's opinion meant to me so much more than my producers' and such. Even aside from the feelings I had for him and our friendship, for me he was an artist to look up to and his opinion was important on a professional level too. Well, at least partly.

"What do you think?" I asked nervously, my heart skipping a couple of beats and my voice slightly higher than usual.

"I think you did an incredible job." Adam finally looked at me as he responded.

"Really?"

"This is the bomb, baby!" He imitated Randy Jackson with all the enthusiasm and I allowed myself to relax and smile in return. "I'm gonna buy it." He informed me.

"But you would've bought it even if it sucked, wouldn't you?"

"Probably," He admitted and we laughed a little. "But it doesn't suck. It's great. I'll play it in my car!" Ha announced and sang the chorus of my single, dancing as he did so.

"Not bad." I nodded in approval. "Just don't dance like this when you're driving." I winked teasingly.

"Okay, I'll make you drive while I dance." He joked and made a few more moves as I laughed.

"Deal,"

"Now, seriously," And indeed his expression lost all the playfulness it had before. "I have to admit that I'm surprised about a couple of songs."

"Good surprised, or bad surprised?"

"Good, of course." He smiled at me as we started walking down the hallway. "Your voice sounds a bit different in some of the serious ones."

"Different? How?"

"I don't know how to put it into words..." Adam thought for a moment before continuing. "More emotional, maybe. It sounded like it broke in a few places." I thought about the songs, trying to hide the disappointment in myself. "Oh, but I mean it in a good way!" Alright, so maybe I wasn't much of an actress, but we know that already. "It's making the song sound very authentic, very _real_." My mind traveled to the 'Idol' time, remembering how every emotional song with a deep meaning used to be a struggle and how everybody tried to explain to me what was missing, unsuccessfully. No one could name the what was lacking and the common belief was that I was just too young.

I glanced up at Adam, who was looking back at me, not saying a word. We were both frozen at one place, even though I haven't noticed when we had stopped walking, and by the look in his eyes I knew he thought about the same as I did. I knew I used music as my refuge at the toughest times, when it hurt the most and when I felt like there was nothing good awaiting for me. It was what kept me at least a little bit grounded and prevented me from completely falling apart. I did express all of my emotions at the time, along with misery, pain and love, through my voice. It was the only way to express them back then, since I couldn't really talk to anybody. All I could do was sing. And cry. And cry while singing. Even if it was only from the inside.

"I..." Adam broke the silence, but was unable to continue, probably realizing what I was going through while recording those songs and what was the reason for the change in my voice. He looked like he was about to apologize, but I've never blamed him for anything. And I certainly wasn't about to let him blame himself.

"Don't." I said simply and smiled at him wholeheartedly. To my surprise, it didn't demand any efforts on my part. We looked at each other for a little while longer, before being interrupted by my sister, claming that we were leaving.

"Come on, Allie, I need to go to work." She told me, finally pulling me out of my haze.

"Okay, okay, I'm coming." I told her before turning to Adam again. "As much as I'd love to stay and catch up, she's my ride." I pointed at Sarah with my thumb and Adam laughed, hugging me and kissing my cheek goodbye.

"I'll talk to you soon." He promised, giving my sister a kiss as well and leaving us as we walked out of the building.

"So," Sarah started pointedly when we got in the car.

"So?" I raised my eyebrows at her.

"How was it to see him after so long?" I frowned at her suspiciously.

"I've seen him a couple of weeks ago." I stated.

"Yeah, but not like this. When have you been able to actually talk to him in person?"

"Good point." I agreed. "I do miss the tour a bit in terms of having everyone so close all the time and all that."

"Adam's always been special, though." It was more of a statement than a question.

"What do you mean?"

"I just thought you were a little closer to him than anyone else."

"He's like a big brother for me, you know it." I resisted the urge to look away from her. I wasn't really lying. I just wasn't telling her the whole truth.

"Yeah, but the way you hugged him today..."

"Was there something wrong with my hug?" I tried not to let any panic into my voice.

"No, you two just seemed to be unable to pull away." She chuckled and I rolled my eyes.

"We really missed each other. It's hard to be away for so long from a person you used to spend so much time with for such a long period of time." I shrugged.

"Would you be as enthusiastic about any other of your Idol friends?"

"Sure! Where are you going with this, Sarah? You know how Adam and I are, why is it such a surprise to see us hug each other? It's not like it's the first time."

"I know. It's not a surprise... I've actually thought about it many times, but never really considered to ask you."

"Ask me what?"

"It's just kind of obvious that you've got a crush on him." I stared at her for a whole second without any reaction to her comment before bursting out laughing in a hysterical way, unable to stop for what seemed like forever.

'A crush', she called it! What an absurd! I was so close to telling her it was no freaking crush and has never been it. I almost gave up to the temptation to yell _"It's called love, Sarah!"_ in return. It was so unbearably difficult to prevent myself from describing to every feeling and emotion I have experienced in the last year, telling her everything I've been through and explaining how I've survived it. Only God knows how I stopped myself from doing all of those things. Instead, I was simply laughing. Laughing to tears, while Sarah gave me surprised and confused looks. She thought I was laughing about the idea of having a crush on Adam, I'm sure, which on some level I was. Only not in the way she understood it.

I decided that if I had been able to survive the most difficult times, now was definitely no reason to tell her all about it. She could guess or suspect, but I figured it would be much easier if nothing's confirmed. I really didn't need interrogation from her about my feelings and about how 'poor little Allison' was doing now. I didn't want her to worry too and I especially didn't want my parents to find out about it and... Well, I didn't know what would happen in that case, but I really didn't feel like finding out either. The worst was over, I knew it. And I've survived it. I've dealt with my issues and got over them. Eventually. Mostly. Well, at least I wasn't acting like a miserable, moody and annoying teenage drama queen.

***

"Listen, my family is having this barbecue event next Sunday. Would you like to come?" Adam asked me as we set at a restaurant table, having lunch together.

"Umm… I don't know. Do you think it would be okay?" I played with my food, avoiding his gaze.

"Of course! It'll be great. My whole family is gonna be there and I thought that since you're my sister, it would be only fair if you joined."

"Are you sure?" I stole a quick glance at him in hesitation.

"Why else would I ask you to come, if I wasn't sure I want you there?"

"I don't know." I felt myself blush slightly. "I don't know anybody besides your parents and brother... I'm gonna be the only one of your friends, right?"

"Well, I invited Kris and Katy, but they have to be on some wedding that day, so..." He shrugged and then smiled at me brightly. "We can ask Megan to come."

"Adam, you can't invite people just for me. If you really want me there, I'll come and won't complain."

"No, I'd like her to come. I just haven't thought about it yet. It will be nice to see her after so long. And this way you won't be alone."

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

"Oh, I don't doubt it." He smirked mischievously, which made me wonder if there was something I didn't know.

"Is your boyfriend gonna be there?" I asked carefully.

"I don't think so. Would it have bothered you much if he was?" Adam was watching my reaction tentatively.

"No!" I said quickly. "I actually was hoping to meet him."

"I don't think it's a good idea right now."

"Why not? I'm not gonna cut his eyes off with my nails." I joked, taking another bite of my meal to keep myself occupied with something.

"No, you're gonna do it with a knife." I teased back before turning serious again. "Maybe next time." I sighed and crossed my arms on my chest. "It's for your own good."

"I'm not a baby, Adam." I reminded him, having the need to do it probably for the first time. He had to know I could deal with it. With everything.

"You sure are acting like one…" Adam gestured to my crossed arms and raised an eyebrow, daring me to argue. I had to admit, my pose really was a bit childish. If I saw someone else do it, I would probably think that the person looked spoiled and immature.

"Oh, stop it already!" But I wasn't about to voice my agreement. "Fine, I'll have him blinded another time."

"Okay…" He laughed.

***

"Allie!" Adam called and I turned to see a huge smile playing across his face as he approached me.

"Hey!" I smiled back and hugged him.

"I'm so glad you could come! I think you're officially a part of the family now." I laughed as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Megan's already here." He informed me. "Somewhere." Adam added, looking aroung the crowd. "We'll find her later. Let's go show you to my parents."

"Okay, let's go say hello to mom and dad." I laughed and let him lead the way.

"Allie, sweetheart, it's so good to see you!" Adam's mom embraced me in a motherly hug, having a very similar smile to Adam's. People kept comparing Adam to his father and saying how much they looked alike, but to me he was much more like his mother. Especially when it came to the personality.

"It's nice to see you too, Leila." I replied and waved to Adam's dad, who was busy with the meal in the other end of the backyard.

"I wouldn't advice coming up to him." Adam noted and exchanged a knowing look with his mother. "When it comes to meat – you better leave him alone."

"True." Leila nodded and we all chuckled, watching Eber fuss around the barbecue.

"Come on, I'll introduce you to a few people." Adam put a hand on my back, guiding me towards various groups of people before finally stopping in front of a guy, who was standing by himself, almost as if watching the party from the side.

"Adam!" The guy smiled at us, shook Adam's hand and then they hugged shortly in a friendly way. "What's up?"

"Allie, this is Kyle, he's my cousin." Adam motion towards the guy and I smiled politely. "I think." He added and we burst out laughing. "Anyway, we can figure it out later. Kyle, you know who Allison is, right?"

"Oh, she looks familiar." Kyle frowned, obviously only putting a show. "I think I recognize her from some TV show..." Adam laughed and patted him on the back, but I could barely stop myself from rolling my eyes.

"Keep Allie company while I go socialize, will ya?" It wasn't really a question, since he was already starting to walk away from us. "And you better not let her get bored!" Honestly, I felt a little uncomfortable for being practically forced on the poor guy who had no way of avoiding it. "I'll send Megan here as soon as I find her." Adam added before leaving us just standing there. I felt like shouting after him about how he could leave me there with a stranger, after insisting so much that he wanted me there. And now he was abandoning me just ten minutes after I've arrived?

"Enjoy yourself!" I said sarcastically and turned to Kyle, giving his a sheepish look. "I guess you're stuck with me."

"I guess I'm not complaining." He replied and I had to smile. He wasn't that bad.

"I don't think you're allowed to." I told him only half-joking.

"Come on, I get to meet the awesome Allison Iraheta, why would I want to complain?" I laughed and he offered me a can of soda from the table he was leaning against, which I gladly took.

"So," I said somewhat awkwardly, not sure how to continue the conversation. "Why are you standing here all by yourself?"

"Oh, I was keeping myself available to entertain you now." He joked and again, I laughed. Alright, he wasn't bad at all. He was actually kind of nice.

"I feel like doing something crazy." I admitted suddenly, watching the calm gathering of people.

"What's stopping you?"

"I haven't figured out what exactly I wanna do yet." In my mind I was considering getting up and a chair and singing some Lady Gaga song.

"Okay, let me know when you figure out, I'll help you."

"Nah, I respect this family too much."

"Oh, I'm sure they would appriciate some entertament."

"Didn't you hear? You go to Adam for your entertainment." Kyle cracked up, laughing loudly and breathlessly as I smiled at how easygoing he was.

"That was good." In a sort amount of time we were already swept in a pleasant conversation, my annoyance long forgotten. Kyle told me he was junior in CSU, majoring journalism – we even made a couple of jokes about how he was going to pursue me for an interview in a year or two. I told him about school and plans and how everything came together. Then he told me some funny moments with Adam and his brother, which weren't few, since he was the youngest in the family and used to get pranks all the time. When Kyle remembered how Adam used to defend him while the other cousins made fun of him, eventually getting his own wave of teasing each time, my eyes found Adam among the crowd. It wasn't difficult to find him, since he was as outstanding as always, easily spotted in a sea of people. I watched him talk enthusiastically to members of his family, obviously polite and nice, just as he always is; and horribly handsome, which also wasn't anything new to me. For a long minute all I did was stare at my stunning best friend, wondering how amazing one person could be, inside and out.

"No one's teasing him now, hugh?" I smirked, suddenly realizing there indeed was something I'd missed. "I'll be right back." I told Kyle, not tearing my eyes from Adam as I walked across the yard to meet him. Adam noticed me approaching him and after saying a few words to a man he was talking to, he started walking towards me.

"Everything alright?" He asked when we stopped in front of each other.

"You're trying to match-make me, aren't you?" I accused, ignoring his question.

"Of course I am." I said simply, smiling.

"You're absolutely horrible!" I was smiling in spite of myself, knowing I wasn't really angry at him. Truth to be told, I was touched.

"I love you too." He chuckled and I looked away.

"Yeah, but just like a sister." I sighed, suddenly serious. Adam cupped my face, forcing me to meet his gaze as he looked me straight into the eyes.

"It's not 'just', Allison." His voice was firm, but soft as he spoke. "Love for a sister can be so much stronger than love for a lover. Lovers can be changed, this kind of love isn't always very pure and sincere and it's not permanent. Love for a sister is unlimited and unconditioned, it's endless. Allie, no matter what happens, I love you forever. Nothing can ever change that fact." My eyes were filled with tears when he finished, still not moving his eyes from me. I was at loss of words; unable to speak and not even knowing what to say. But words weren't really necessary at that point. I simply wrapped my arms around him and pressed to him in a hug full of emotion, which couldn't be expressed in any other way. I loved him, simply as a person. Everything else didn't matter at that moment.

.

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Alright, hope you liked it! Please, share your opinion with me! Pleaseee! =D


	7. Chapter 7

Hey everyone!

Thanks so much for the feedback and for reading in general! =D

Nothing much to say...

Enjoy!

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7 – Long conversations into the night

.

"By the way, thanks for letting me crash." Megan said, packing her things into a bag. She has been staying with my family and me for a couple of days after the barbecue Adam's parents threw that Sunday, since she didn't live in LA.

"No problem." I waved my hand dismissively. I actually liked her there, it was like having a sister in the house again. I mean, it took some time to get used to not having Sarah around as much after she moved out and no one could really replace her, but still, it was nice to have Megan over. "As long as you don't mind staying in my sister's old room and with my... overwhelming parents, it's cool with me."

"Your parents are great and this room is so much better than a hotel room, no matter how fancy it is." She finished packing and sat down on the med, next to where I was sitting. "Not mentioning all the media issues involved." She gave me a meaningful look and I had to laugh, knowing exactly what she meant. Then she moved on to telling me about her son, how much he'd grew, how much he'd learned, how sweet and funny he was at times... and so on. And on. And on. Just let the mommy talk...

"Okay, Megs, you know how much I love Ryder, right?" I finally cut her off.

"Yeah," She said with a smile with confusion written all over her face.

"And you know I'll marry him as soon as he turns eighteen, right?" Megan laughed at our inside joke about how I was waiting for her son to grow up to marry him, because he was just too adorable for his own good. She nodded, clearly wondering where I was going with this. "But you're killing me here!"

"What?" She raised her eyebrows innocently.

"I've been dying to know what's going on with our dearest Mathew!" I exclaimed, almost accusingly. "And you've been avoiding this conversation for two days!"

"I haven't been avoiding it." By the tone of her voice I knew she has been. And she knew I knew.

"Spill." I commanded, thinking she was better not to try and argue with me.

"We're trying to take things slow, but it's been great so far." I could clearly hear in her voice the attempt to hide a smile. "It feels nice. " She admitted shyly, looking down at her knees and I wondered what was the reason for her hesitance.

"That's great, Megs!" I put my hand on her back, smiling with sincere joy for her. "I'm not going to say 'I told you so', even if I know I was right." I assured her.

"I know you won't."

"Then why do you always avoid this topic? And now it's like you're ashamed of being happy with Matt." Her head shot up and our eyes met immediately, although I could clearly see she didn't want to look me in the eyes. "What?" And then it hit me. "Oh my God, don't tell me it's because of what I told you!" Megan kept staring at me. "_No_." My eyes widened.

"It's just that... I don't feel good about talking about this stuff to you, because I figure it must be hard to listen to someone's chatter about a happy relationship when you can't have yours. Well, at least not with the person you want."

"Come on! Megan, I'm sorry, but you sound ridiculous." I informed her. "Shit, I hope it's not Adam's reason too." I muttered under my breath, but Megan heard me.

"Adam's reason?"

"He's got some issues about talking to me about this subject too." I waved dismissively. "Never mind that. Look, I told you I don't want anyone to pity me. And you shouldn't be embarrassed to talk about it. I can handle it, I assure you."

"I know. I just..."

"Megs, I'm not going back to that state I was in during the last few weeks of the tour. I'm over it."

"You are?" She sounded so surprised that I couldn't hold back a laugh.

"Not Adam, of course," It felt strange to talk about it again, so easily and openly... "Just the behavior and the idiotic depression." I rolled my eyes at the thought. "I learned to live with it. At least I'm trying to. For now it's easier. Much easier. Maybe someday I'll be over him too." I wasn't just saying it to make her feel better. I was honestly feeling more... peaceful after accepting everything.

"Is it better now that you don't have to see him every day?" Megan asked, hugging one of the pillows on the bed.

"No!" I chuckled. "It's actually worse, because I miss him a lot. Oh no, don't look at me like that!"

"How?"

"Like I'm a wet kitten on the street!" Megan frowned at my comparison, probably already feeling sorry for the poor kitten. "I'm fine, I promise!"

"Allie?"

"Hm-m?"

"Thank you."

"For what?" I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

"For being a great friend. I just thought that I'd never thanked you for doing all that effort to make me happy... for telling me everything even when it was so difficult for you... for trusting me so much... for caring about me so much."

"Oh, stop it, I'm gonna cry!" I laughed to lighten up the conversation.

"Seriously, I think I wouldn't have allowed myself to try anything with Matt, if you didn't tell me about your feelings."

"I'm glad I could help." I said sincerely. "But let's stop with the angst now, please!"

"Okay, now _you_ tell me who was that cute guy you were hanging out with almost the entire party?"

"You mean when you were no where to be found and Adam abandoned me for his distant family members?" I asked jokingly.

"Yeah, then." Megan showed me her tongue teasingly like a little girl. "I was on the phone with Matt, by the way." She informed me.

"For two hours?!"

"Hour and a half." She corrected me quietly and then we both cracked up, laughing loudly. "So who was that?"

"Adam's cousin. Apparently my beloved _'brother'_ decided to set me up!"

"That sounds just like him." Megan laughed. "I'm afraid to ask what you to him when you found out."

"He's alive, isn't he? For now."

"The cousin was your type, then?" She teased me again.

"At least I'm staying in the family." I shrugged, there was a moment of silence and then we both burst into a fit of laughter again. "No, seriously, he's okay. I can't think of him as more than a friend yet, but he's cool."

"At least you think about him." Megan pointed out. "That's already something."

"We'll see what happens. Right now he's just a fun person to hand out with." I thought for a moment before adding jokingly, "Maybe if he dyed his hair and put some makeup on..." Of course, that made Megan laugh to tears and I gladly joined her, happy to be able to make that kind of jokes. More than my emotional ability to talk about it, it was the fact that she new everything and I could actually be open with her, not careful about what might slip out.

***

I was searching for a snack in Adam's fridge, singing his 'For your entertaiment' to myself as he was browsing a magazine in the living room.

"Apparently I'm with my boyfriend on a private island." Adam scoffed. I looked around his kitchen theatrically.

"Nope, doesn't look like an island to me." I claimed.

"Since when do I even have a boyfriend?" He laughed and I looked up at him from where I was standing.

"Since when you don't?" I frowned.

"We broke up."

"When?"

"A while ago." I raised my eyebrows, trying to remember when was the last time I've seen a picture of them together somewhere.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, walking up to the couch he was sitting on.

"I don't know… Is it something you want to hear about?" His gaze was slightly more intense than before as he looked into my eyes.

"Of course it is!" I answered in shock, taking a seat next to him. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"It's a little… awkward, don't you think?"

"Oh, come on! We're so past awkward already! What, I can talk to you about everything and you can't?" So he _was_ avoiding this kind of conversations. Thinking I didn't want to hear about it. Right. Why didn't I figure it out before?

"It's different and you know it." I shook my head in protest.

"We're friends. It goes both ways." I gestured between us with my hand.

"Okay." He chuckled.

"So you're gonna talk to me from now on?" I asked, giving him a heavy look. Sort of warning look.

"If you want me to, sure." He nodded. We kept looking at each other for a long moment, before I finally broke the silence.

"I've always wanted a gay friend." I said matter-of-factly.

"Why?" Adam asked with a smile, obviousely barely able to hold a laugh back.

"For the same reason every girl wants a gay friend." I shrugged casually, as if it was obvious. "He gets you like a female friend would, but there's no jealousy and you can never fight for a guy." I pretended to think for a moment. "Although with you it's not as safe."

"What?" He raised his eyebrows in surprise, but still laughed.

"If there is someone who can turn a straight guy gay, it's you." At that he buried his face in both hands and laughed loudly, I joined soon and neither of us could stop until we were breathless and tearful.

"You're horrible." He accused jokingly.

"I was just kidding." I said defensively. "Sort of." We laughed again, but I put an effort into composing myself and pulling on a serious expression. "No, seriously, I'm okay with everything."

"I'm glad." He was smiling, but it was a different kind of smile this time. Serious kind of smile, genuine.

"Tell me how it's been for you." I asked, pulling my knees to my body and resting my chin on them. "I mean, now you're obviously comfortable with who you are and so are your parents and friends, but I'm guessing it wasn't as easy as you make it sound."

"What? Being gay?" I nodded.

"Realizing you are and telling everybody." I paused. "But if you don't want to talk about it, it's cool, you know." I was suddenly worried I was too annoyingly prying.

"Come on, you know me! Just let the guy talk…" I smiled contently.

"So how did you realize?"

"I guess I've always known. It just took a while to accept. Or rather call things their names. When you're a teenager, especially a weird one like I was, you feel even more of an outsider, when you realize you have something else different from everybody else."

"That must've been horrible." I sighed, although he didn't seem to care about that time very much. "I still don't get it. How could someone not want to be your friend?" It was a very childish question, but I truly didn't understand. How can anybody not like Adam? It was just beyond me.

"Kids can be very cruel." Adam smiled calmly. "Especially to other kids, who are different. They don't look for individuality. If you think about it, kids dress the same, have the same haircuts, watch the same shows and movies and even act mostly the same. All according to the unwritten rules of what's considered cool and what isn't. It has always been like that and always will be. Kids who don't follow those rules simply aren't 'cool'. But you know it as well as I do."

"Yeah, but still, you don't have to be cool in this way to have friends. You can have as un-cool friends us you." I pointed out, thinking I wasn't too popular myself in school.

"The thing is that I could never fit in with anybody, I was the 'un-cool' boy even with the most unpopular kids." He chuckled, not showing any bitterness about it. "But then I grew up and learned how to be myself without caring what someone will think. And eventually I met a lot of people from different places and backgrounds, who didn't judge me and actually liked me. They became my friends."

"When you were on that tour after you graduated?"

"Then too. But I was speaking in general. I have friends from every place I've been to and from every job I've had. And I've had _a lot_."

"You know you're fascinating?" I asked in a 'by-the-way' kind of manner. Adam laughed and raised his eyebrows.

"What? Come on, what's fascinating about me?" I gave him a sarcastic look.

"Are you serious? Like _everything_." I threw my hands in the air dramatically. "You've done so much in your life and you really _get_ life." Adam laughed even harder at this statement, unable to resist. It didn't offend me or anything, I knew he wasn't laughing at me and my thoughts but about the way I chose to phrase those thoughts. But honestly, I didn't find other words to explain what I wanted to say.

"You mean as opposed to you, who hadn't done anything except being on the most popular show in America at the age if sixteen? Oh, and even earlier on another singing competition you've actually won?" He asked teasingly and I blushed.

"Yeah, but before you were on idol you weren't famous or rich and your career wasn't as promising as now, of course, and still you've experienced a lot."

"Maybe, but it also depends on who you're comparing to." He shrugged.

"I'm not. I don't think it's possible to compare you to someone." Yes, there was a trace of my feelings to him in my sentence, but I couldn't help it. Well, my adoration to him didn't have anything to do with those feelings, so I hoped it could pass as a display of that adoration and affection. Adam looked into my eyes for a long moment, his own summer-sky-clear eyes filled with seriousness. I wasn't going to let it turn this nice conversation into an awkward silence. "Anyway, I think you were telling me about how you came out." I reminded him in a purposely too business-like tone. He laughed a little again and cleared his throat.

"Right," He continued. "So you know how my mom reacted." As well as everybody else… "I'm still her little baby." A smiled formed on his lips. "Well, not so little and not a baby at all, but for a mother, you always are." I grinned knowingly. "You know how it is."

"Oh, I do." I assured him.

"It doesn't really change when you're thirty either."

"And how would you know?" I teased. "It's not like you've actually reached this age." Adam threw a decoration pillow at me, but it missed me and ended up on the floor behind me. Though I suspect he didn't bother to aim it.

"So," He intentionally raised his voice. "My mother claimed she had always known and yada yada yada… My brother claims the same, but I've never really believed him." I smiled and leaned to the side against the back of the couch. "When we were kids we didn't get along that well."

"Really?" He never talked about it before, so it was kind of surprising. I don't know why, but I hadn't expected this.

"Yeah. We weren't like enemies or something and we weren't even fighting that much. Mostly we were distant. When we were really little, I was very hyperactive and loud, so I drew a lot of attention and I guess he felt a bit overshadowed. Then, when we went to the same school and saw each other in the hallways or something, we wouldn't even say 'hi'."

"What? Why?" I blinked with shock. My sister and I had a much bigger age difference, so we didn't go to the same school, but I couldn't imagine not greeting her if I saw her around.

"I guess Neil was sort of embarrassed by me." Adam smiled lightly.

"Embarrassed… By you?" It was hard to wrap my mind around that thought. It seemed almost impossible. Well, apparently it wasn't.

"Yeah… Like I said, I was a 'loser' – " He air-quoted the last word. "And he was a normal kid, not some kind of a freak like me…" Adam chuckled, but I didn't find anything funny about it.

"But he's your brother!" I exclaimed.

"Oh, come on, Allie, lighten up. Kids are kids and I can totally understand him. You know, most of the siblings are a little embarrassed by each other, even if one isn't an outcast." It certainly hurt me more than it did him, because it didn't seem to bother him. Although I had a feeling that somewhere very, very deep inside, in some distant corner, he remembered the pain it caused him then. Maybe now it didn't seem important anymore, because it's been a long time ago and everything has changed from that time, but I knew that back then he suffered a lot. That thought made me feel a bit uncomfortable, since my childhood was full of bright memories and emotions, not including loneliness. It was so ironic, that a person like Adam would be so lonely at some point of his life… And loneliness is a horrible feeling, that I can assure you. Well, I could be comforted by the fact that now he had plenty of friends, including me, that would do anything for him and a monstrous amount of devoted fans, who practically worshiped him and his music. "He never admitted it was the case, though. Even when we grew up and started to get along." Adam pulled me back from my thoughts. "But don't hold offence anyway."

"Of course you don't." I rolled my eyes and he laughed.

"What's the point? It can only ruin the good relationship between people."

"Yeah, I know." I sighed. I wasn't one to hold grudge myself, which sometimes came to bite me on the ass, when I trusted people I shouldn't over and over again. "So now you and Neil get along?"

"Yeah, we're totally cool." I smiled as Adam bit his bottom lip in a thoughtful look. God, he was so beautiful… Even now I couldn't stop my heart from skipping a bit at the breathtaking sight. "Who else..? My father? He was the one to really know forever... He caught me with some stuff when I was in high-school, warned me not to get any ideas into Neil's head and pretended nothing ever happened."

"Was it a good thing?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. "I guess so, because I don't think I was ready to deal with coming out back then." I nodded in understanding, unsure of what to say. "That's all ancient history, though." Adam waved his hand indifferently. "What else do you wanna know?"

"Everything you want to tell me." He rolled his eyes, indicating I should be more specific. "Um... Well, do you wanna talk about your relationship? I was always a little curious."

"With Ben? What's there to tell?"

"Oh, no, I meant the long relationship you've been talking about in some interviews. When you were in love..." I looked away with a little embarrassment. No wonder I wanted to know about it, hugh?

"I don't know what to tell you, really." I looked at him, but he looked away this time. "It wasn't like this crazy dramatic affair. Just a regular relationship. It was special to me, because I fell in love for the first time, but it didn't work out and I ended up a little... heartbroken, I guess." My own heart squeezed painfully at the sound of his softened voice. He still cared, I could tell.

"Why didn't it work out?"

"It's hard to tell... For me, love has to be in the first place. I think that if you prefer going somewhere with friends or stay alone, but not with the other person – it's not worth anything. You should want to be with the person you love all the time, miss him when you're away and hurry back home with anticipation to see him again. If it turns to some kind of work... It just loses the point." He didn't specify, but I could guess what happened. "I think love is when you are ready to give up on anything and everything for the other person. But it has to be mutual and when there's only one person who feels this way, it can't work."

"He didn't feel that way for you?" I tried not to get angry at the though. I mean, how was it possible?

"Maybe he did." Adam shrugged. "Just not the way I expected or wanted. Maybe I was too demanding and not realistic, maybe he wasn't ready for what I was, maybe... Well, I guess it just was either the wrong time or the wrong person." He smirked. "Better luck next time." I didn't answer for a moment, studying his face. He wasn't as indifferent as he wanted to sound.

"You don't like to talk about it." I observed.

"It's not my favorite subject." Adam admitted. "I have a lot of good memories, so there're no regrets, but I had a pretty rough time afterwards, so..."

"I know." I gave him a meaningful look as he finally locked his eyes with mine. And I knew that one day he will tell me everything. I decided it was better not to push him at that moment. He already told me more than he did to many people, which made me feel very special. "So what happened with Ben?" I asked to switch to an obviously less painful subject.

"I think it's a bad time for a serious relationship for me." He replied, not really answering my question.

"Why?"

"Too much public attention, too much things to focus on, too much on my mind... no time at all." He concluded, smiling without humor. "But I think it could be a good time to have a break. Just some time to mys –" The familiar ringtone of my cell phone interrupted him, but I didn't move from my comfortable position on the couch.

"Ignore it." I said shortly, not even turning to look at the ringing device.

"Don't be silly!" Adam laughed and reached out to grab the phone from the coffee table. "Oooh..." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively as I raised mine in confusion. "'Kyle' as in _my_ Kyle?" I rolled my eyes.

"Give it." I reached my hand out, but he held the phone out of my reach.

"I didn't know you guys were talking." He said with a smile, which he was trying to compose.

"You don't have to know everything, _Glambert_." I laughed.

"What was that about 'friends telling everything to each other'?" He teased.

"Fine." I crossed my arms on my chest. "Let's talk. But he's going to hang up any second now." Adam grinned and pushed the answer button.

"Hey, Kyle, it's Adam." He said into the phone. "Hold on a second, okay? Thanks." Then he covered the microphone of my cell phone and spoke to me. "Are you seeing him?" He asked curiously.

"No, we've just been keeping in touch." I replied calmly. It was really strange how comfortable I felt talking to him about it. I didn't feel like this even talking to Megan.

"So how am I in the matchmaking business?" He asked jokingly, his voice quiet so Kyle wouldn't hear him on the other side.

"Nothing like that's going on, but he's cool."

"When are you guys going out?"

"Adam!" I hissed, widening my eyes. "We're not. At least not right now." I stretched my hand to finally take the phone, but he raised it above his head and I had no hope to reach it.

"Why not?" I didn't answer. "Should I ask him?" Adam raised an eyebrow, daring

"Because I'm not over someone else yet." I whispered, standing on the couch to snatch my cell phone from his hand. It didn't escape my attention that Adam froze for a moment at my words. "Hi," I said to Kyle. "Sorry about that. Adam was interrogating me." Adam chuckled and turned on the TV as I walked out to the porch.

I kept it short with Kyle, knowing I could talk to him anytime, but my time with Adam was really limited. When I came back to the living room there was some promotion video of the AMAs, which were scheduled for the next week, playing on TV.

"Nervous?" I asked Adam, sitting on the arm of the couch at his side.

"About the AMAs?" He looked at me and I nodded. "A little." He admitted. "But I'm mostly excited. I can't wait to perform there!" I could see the sparkls of excitment in his eyes and couldn't help but smile.

"First big appearance in the 'real world', hugh?"

"Yeah!" Adam smiled back.

"You know, it scares me a little."

"What?"

"All this fame and pressure..." I trailed off. It was all real now, the Idol bubble was gone completely and we were on our on, in the big and cruel world of music industry. "You know, when I hear stories about the self-destruction of celebrities because of fame… I don't know, it makes me a little terrified of the future. Right now I can't see myself getting to places like this, but people who actually experienced it hadn't expected this to happen to them either."

"I know what you mean." Adam nodded seriously.

"You're scared too?"

"No." He replied simply. "Fame could ruin a person and bring him or her down to the bottom, but I've been there already. I'd fallen to the deepest bottom possible and didn't go up for a long while. So I have nothing to be afraid of. I've seen the worst and I'll do anything so not to go back there."

"You were really unhappy, weren't you?" I asked sadly.

"I just was in a really bad place, but I feel much stronger now, as a person, because I was able to gather myself together in the end, before it was too late." Tears were already filling my eyes, but I didn't bother to fight them. "You know, for a very long time, even after I lost the weight and stuff, I still felt insecure and struggled with my image sometimes. I still do, from time to time." Seriously, if I wasn't crying I would've probably laughed. I mean, did he ever look in the mirror? But I also knew it was deeper than just his appearance. It was a scar from the childhood, I guess. Everyone's got those. "And I didn't deal very well with it. Also all the stress of being an adult and not really making any progress in life, especially in the career... I guess I just figured I'd at least have fun... A lot of fun. Too much. Not very healthy fun, as you know. I just got lost." I bit my lip as he dried my tears from my cheek with his thumb, smiling slightly. "Then I felt really messed up and used to beat myself up for that. But then I figured 'You know what? The world's messed up. I've done my mistakes and have never been an angel, but I've also never hurt anybody intentionally and I don't hold grudge against life, even though I used to get a lot of shit because… of who I am.' And when I stopped being so hard on myself everything got actually much better. Then I decided it was time to take my life in my own hands and lead it where I want it to head."

"God, Adam, you're really good in making me cry." I said, chuckling as I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. In truth, all I could feel was respect and adoration towards him.

"I didn't mean to." He sounded honestly apologetic.

"I'm not blaming you." I rolled my eyes. "I guess I just turned really softy lately." I laughed with a little embarrassment.

"You're an amazing person, Allie." Adam said seriously, pulling me onto his lap. "Don't ever let anyone convince you that you don't deserve what you have and want to have." He was looking deep into my eyes. "And don't let anyone decide for you what's best for you. You hear me?" I nodded and wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face in his neck.

"I could get used to it." I mumble.

"Allie," He sighed heavily.

"No, I mean in a good way." I laughed, not pulling away from him. "Friendly way." I clarified.

"Alright then." I felt his arms wrap around me in a warm hug.

.

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Okay, hope you enjoyed it! Tell me either way!


	8. Chapter 8

Hi guys!

Thanks everyone for reading and for reviewing!

Here we go with another chapter… Not much to say about it. Just read it and hopefully you'll like it.

By the way, just out of curiosity, what's it with Kyle that you don't like? I forgot to ask the previous chapter. I didn't realize he did something wrong… Or did he do something I didn't know about? XD No, really, what's wrong with him?

Enjoy!

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8 – No pain, no gain.

"Hi!" A greeted Adam cheerfully as he opened the door for me.

"Hey, sweetie." Adam smiled as a response to my wide grin, but I could clearly see the exhaustion written all over his face. He bent down to kiss my cheek and I took a moment to examine his expression once more when he pulled back.

"Damn, you look like hell!" I commented, stepping inside his house.

"I didn't put any makeup on." He explained and I rolled my eyes. What a stupid excuse!

"Not that kind of hell." I huffed. "And you keep forgetting I actually lived with you."

"It's impossible to forget such a torture." Adam teased as we walked to his kitchen. I shoved his shoulder playfully in response, but he barely chuckled. Something was off, it was more than evident.

"So I woke you guys up in the middle sometimes, it wasn't that bad!" I continued joking, hoping he would get in the mood soon.

"No, not really. But you also used to finish all the ice cream in the house and that did bother me." He replied and I laughed.

"By the way, do you have any ice cream around here?" I asked, hopping to sit on the kitchen counter as he took a chair next to the table.

"You know I don't keep this stuff here now." His tone was too cold for my taste.

"I'm sorry, do you want me to go?" I asked seriously, although I knew he would never tell me he wanted me to leave, even if he did want it.

"Don't be silly, you know I'm always happy to see you." Adam said, looking at me with some impatience, as if his answer was supposed to obvious. And it was.

"You definitely don't look happy." I pointed out, as he grabbed an apple from the basket on the table and threw it to me. I caught it, but kept simply holding it in my hands, watching Adam intently.

"It's not your fault. I'm just tired." Oh, yeah, he certainly was.

"I can go, if you want to rest. We can hang out some other time." I assured him and promised I won't take offense. I truly did look like a couple hours of sleep won't hurt him. Maybe a little more than a couple. I honestly can't remember a time he'd looked so drained before.

"No!" He protested, almost too quickly. "I really don't want you to go." I was lost in his eyes for a moment, worry taking over me slowly.

"Adam, what's wrong?" I asked at last.

"Nothing, baby, really. I'm just exhausted from the last couple of weeks." And then it clicked in my head. So the reaction to his performance at the American Music Awards did affect him, much more than he wanted to show.

"It's not as simple as you try to picture it, is it?" I knew he understood what I was talking about and he knew I understood him right. At least I hoped he knew.

"It's been a little rough." He shrugged and looked down at his lap.

"I didn't think people's opinions mattered to you." I said in a lousy attempt to cheer him up. "Especially not such closed-minded people. Especially when they're so outnumbered by people who loved your performance."

"I'm not ready to change because of them, but they do matter. I can't be completely indifferent to what people think of you . I'm an artist and I want to go with my point of view, but I also want people to like what I'm doing. I can't please everyone, of course, but I also don't want to piss people off…" He sighed. "It's not something that would usually effect me like this. There's just a lot of pressure right now and I'm not very enthusiastic about how everything turned out… Plus I am exhausted physically too."

"Tell me about it." Although I knew he has been at least twice as busy as I was, but still, I knew what he meant.

"It's okay, don't worry about it." He waved his hand dismissively. "I'm just letting it get to me lately." I jumped down to my feet and walked up to the table to take a seat next to Adam on the closest chair.

"Talk to me." I said softly, taking his hand in mine. Adam let out a frustrated breath before beginning to speak.

"I wish people stopped obsessing over it! It's not that big of a deal! Just one performance, it doesn't define me or my music." But I'd heard this one before. I wanted him to let everything out. All the frustration, all the anger, all the pain… I could take it. Seeing him, like that, I could not take.

"But you know how it is..." I sighed. "People can get very judgmental, sometimes to cruelty."

"Yeah, the problem is that it was my first performance on television after Idol and there are people who saw me for the first time... and it was different from what I did on Idol even for those who like me on the show."

"Of course it was, that's what's so exciting about you, you always bring something new with each performance, each song." I said enthusiastically.

"I don't know... I guess it was just too shocking, especially for people who didn't go to our tour."

"You know, I kinda miss the tour sometimes." I confessed. "I know it was crazy and stressful and we had practically no life... and now we have all those things going on with our careers and all, but it was this safe time, when nothing but the tour existed."

"I miss the tour sometimes too. And I miss the guys and the fun..." I wondered if I'd managed to take his mind off the Music Awards performance and everything around it.

"Yeah, all the craziness…" I agreed and Adam sighed heavily and bent down to the side to place his head in my lap.

"Maybe I did cross the line." Okay, so it wasn't as easy as I hoped. God, I hated to see him like this. It didn't happen to him much and it almost felt wrong for him to be so... down. I could remember only one time when he was in a similar mood. Before the finale of American Idol. Then too, he put his head on my knees and I played with his hair soothingly just like now.

"Adam, it's ridiculous to make such a big deal about it, you said it yourself. Don't even get me started about how wrong all this double standard you've been talking about is." Adam put his hands over his face and let out a groan of frustration. "Yeah, it makes me angry just as much as you. Maybe even more."

"It doesn't make me angry," He sighed again and removed his hands to look at me. "It just frustrates me. And I feel... kind of scared."

"Scared? You?" I wasn't joking. I was seriously shocked by his revelation.

"I'm worried that this one stinking performance ruined my career." He admitted and I was speechless for a moment. "I'm not used to regret things I've done and wish I hadn't... To me, it wasn't so horrible and inappropriate, but apparently for other people it was offensive. I just hope it didn't ruin my chance... That I didn't lose the opportunity I was given and worked so hard for just because of one crappy choice." For some reason he looked away at this moment. "I'm so close to regretting doing what I did... I almost wish I wasn't offered to perform there."

"Adam..." But I didn't know what else to say. Or rather I had too much to say and didn't know where to begin. I wanted to assure him it wouldn't be enough to ruin his career, because he was a fantastic phenomenon and they were stupid, if they let it go to waste. I wanted to tell him how many people actually did like the performance, with the boldness and sexual charge, how many people loved his music and him as a person. I wanted to let him know that I believed he was the next great thing, the icon that will become a legend and that there were tones of people who believed the same, who believed in him. There was so much I wanted to say... but nothing formed into words as I watched him look up at me with his crystal blue eyes, full with something that I couldn't name, but made me sad. Then he looked to the side again.

"I don't want to regret my behavior." He said suddenly, sitting up again. "I really don't. And I know it might sound like I'm stubborn or too proud, but I really don't want to apologize for anything."

"You don't need to." I told him, placing a hand on his shoulder to make him look at me again. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"So why does it feel like I screwed up?"

"Because some people make money out of it. All the scandal and noise..." I rolled my eyes. "You didn't commit a crime or something."

"Yeah, but I guess some people think I did. To some people, what I did was very wrong. You and I might disagree with them, but it doesn't change anything."

"Screw those people! It's bullshit, you wouldn't have done it, if you thought it was wrong, so obviously you didn't mean to offend people."

"I didn't."

"That's the most important thing."

"I honestly meant no harm. But maybe I pushed it too far this time... maybe people aren't ready for me... or maybe I'm not ready for this kind of thing." This was what shocked me the most. Was it really Adam speaking? "Maybe I didn't give everything enough thought and maybe I should've controlled myself better."

"It's freedom of expression or what?" I exclaimed indignantly. "We're not living at a time that expression of sexuality should be censored. I mean, look at the movies and shows, look at other artists, look at everything that's going on right now! What you did wasn't really that out of line. It's relevant." Adam let out a deep breath and smiled at me slightly.

"I really appreciate your words." He said. "And that you're here right now, with me, bearing my pathetic breakdown and even trying to cheer me up." I smiled down at him in response, but he continued before I had time to say something. "Because I think I really need your support right now."

"My support?" I raised my eyebrows with surprise.

"Yeah. You know, all of this –" He motioned towards the magazines on the table. "Can be very overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I'm being attacked from every direction... And then I feel guilty for feeling this way, because I know I've asked for this. I dreamt about fame and I know it doesn't come without certain drawbacks. I mean, you can't have everything and expect it to be perfect, so I think I don't have the right to complain. I mean, _no pain, no gain_, right? And then I feel lonely." My eyes widened at his words and I almost cringed at the sound of his voice, so vulnerable. I tried not to wonder whether he talked about it to other people.

"But you have a lot of friends! And an amazing family!" I argued.

"I do." A warm smile spread across his lips. "And it does help a lot, but sometimes it's not enough. Sometimes it's not really what I need at all." Alright, remember how I said I've only seen him like that once before? Scratch it. I've never seen him looking like he did at that moment.

"What _do_ you need?" I asked quietly, almost whispering. "How can I help?"

"You are helping." Adam chuckled and reached up to brush his knuckles against my cheek. A shiver run up my back, but I ignored it. "Sometimes there's nothing to do and it's just how you feel. And then other times I guess I just need someone who gets me. And right now you're here and I feel like you really do. Maybe it's because you went through all of the Idol experience with me and since we get along so well..." I didn't ask what about Kris and why he didn't talk to me earlier. I just leaned down and hugged him for a long minute, before pulling back, grinning.

"Okay, now let's have some fun!" I said, obviously reminding him of what he told me all those months ago after a long and serious conversation about our relationship and feelings. Remember that? That's right, the one with the tears and skipping heartbeats. Although there were quite a few of those… But you know what I mean.

"Yeah, sounds good to me." He laughed and ruffled my hair.

"What do you wanna do? Shopping can cheer you up!"

"I'm not that shallow!" Adam complained, but still laughed. "And I don't really feel like going out."

"Damn, I was hoping we could go clubbing or something..." I joked.

"Sure, cause you'd _love_ a night in jail..." He rolled his eyes.

"Oh, right, cause I'm a _baby_!" I wasn't angry and I used my annoying lazy-crazy voice to make sure he knew it. "As if it's a problem!" I huffed. "I'm Allison freakin' Iraheta. With Adam frikin' Glambert!" He burst out laughing at that, which sounded like music to my ears. More than usually, I mean.

"How about a dinner?" He suggested.

"Nuh," I wrinkled my nose. "Restaurants are too crowded and cameras-full." I said jokingly. "You know how bad it is when we're each alone, so imagine what's going to happen when we'll be caught together!"

"Adison having dinner together!" Adam yelled with fake excitement, sitting up. I laughed and stood up.

"Let's see what you have here…" I opened his fridge. "Alright, we won't starve to death." I concluded dramatically after examining the contains of his refrigerator. Having been in his house so many times over the last several weeks, I truly felt at home and knew where everything was kept. Adam always made me feel free and comfortable there. Although on second thought, I was comfortable wherever he was.

***

"Adam?" I said, breaking a long silence between us. We were in his car, driving to Kris and Katy's house the weekend after the one I'd been at Adam's when he had a breakdown.

"Mmm?" He replied, not taking his eyes off of the road. I really did want to see Kris again and Katy too, I was even excited to hang out with them for a while that day, but I couldn't take my mind off of something else…

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, sweetie." Adam smiled, glimpsing at me briefly.

"You're not allowed to laugh."

"You know I'd never laugh at you. What is it?"

"Well… I was really hoping you could do me a little favor…" I trailed off, too embarrassed to continue.

"Anything you want, Allie." He assured me. Wait until he hears it…

"Can you… Kiss me?"

"What?!" Yes, that's it, that's the reaction. He didn't raise his voice – much – and didn't stop driving, but I could clearly see his grip on the steering wheel tighten.

"Not for real… I mean, just for sake of practicing."

"What the hell are you talking about, Allie?"

"I want you to teach me…" I said under my breath, almost too low for him to hear. Almost.

"To kiss?!" He laughed, but I knew it wasn't genuine.

"Yes." I tried to sound firm, but it sounded rather pathetic. Adam laughed a little more.

"No way." He said, still laughing.

"Please?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"It's the worst idea you've ever had." He noted and I pouted.

"Don't laugh at me."

"I'm not. But it is ridiculous." It only made me want to convince him agree even more, stubborn as I am.

"It's not!" I protested childishly. "You said anything I wanted." I reminded him.

"Don't even try this one with me." He laughed once more. "And trust me, you don't really want this."

"Of course I do!"

"Allie, drop it."

"Why?" I repeated my pointless question.

"What, you want to fight with me or something?" I couldn't remember a time we've fought before. I mean, except that time when I told him about my feelings. Although that one wasn't really a fight either. "Or just ruin the good mood? Just forget you ever mentioned it." I suddenly felt embarrassed for some reason.

"Fine, I'll get to you on new year's" I said nonchalantly to lighten up the mood.

"You better get your boyfriend." He responded with a chuckle.

"He's not my boyfriend." I frowned.

"Okay, honey, you're in deep denial." Adam informed me. "First of all, you like each other. Second, you talk on the phone all the time and when you don't, you text each other. Third, you're going out together, but refuse to call it dates, even though it's just the two of you every time." I opened my mouth to argue, but he continued. "Just the fact that you know who I was talking about when I said 'your boyfriend' proves it all."

"For the hundred time, we're just hanging out!" I threw my arms up in frustration. "Whatever. We weren't even talking about that!"

"Denial…" Adam sang teasingly.

"Come on, Adam, it's not like you've never kissed a girl!" He rolled his eyes as a response, indication it was pointless, which it was. But you know me, I can never just give up. I have to push it. Until it's awkward. Or painful. "Do I need to get you drunk or something so I won't discuss you that much."

"Don't be ridiculous, you don't discuss me. It has nothing to do with the fact I'm gay and all to do with the fact we're friends and I'd rather not screw it up."

"Why would you screw it up by helping me?"

"Because we don't need another thing to make it awkward between the two of us. We've been through a lot and... It's not the best way to move on."

"So what, you won't kiss me because of our history? I'm not going to develop expectations towards you, Adam. I know we're just friends. That's why I'm asking your help." Alright, so maybe somewhere deep inside I wanted to know how it felt to kiss him. I was curious. Pure curiosity, I swear!

"What's with you and kissing your friends? Go practice on the guy who you really want to kiss." I blushed, knowing he was right, but too stubborn to admit it.

"I don't want to make a fool out of myself." I sighed. "The reason why I don't want to go on a date with him," Adam grimaced, indicating I was still in denial. "I mean, real date, _defined_ as date with romantic intentions, holding hands and the kiss in the end... is because I'm nervous." I looked away from him through the window and for the first time I noticed we weren't moving anymore. We were just standing at the side of the road. "It's ridiculous, I know, because I'm almost eighteen, but I haven't really dated much. I've barely been on a couple of dates over a year ago and they didn't really go that well... And it was even before Idol and all the madness… I just get really, really nervous, I don't know what to say and I start acting like an idiot... It happens to me with interviews too, just not as awfully." I took a deep breath before continuing. "And I think it would really help me to know I'm good at something in this whole dating experience. Just to feel more confident that I know what I'm doing."

"Allie, you don't have to be experienced to be good at it. If the person is right, you'll forget about all the insecurities and nervousness quickly enough and start just having fun. Kyle likes you just the way you are, crazy and sweet, you have nothing to worry about."

"How do you know that?"

"So why do you think he wants to spend time with you? Why is he trying so hard to get you out on a date?"

"You've talked to him didn't you?" I goessed.

"That too." He admitted with a nod. "The thing with a kiss, is that it's not really about the touch itself, but the feelings you have at that moment that matter. That's what makes the kiss either great or gross. At least in my opinion." Yeah, I had no doubt he had the opportunities to explore the subject.

"I'll probably just ruin everything." Wow, whining much?

"Hey, where's my fiery, careless Allie?" Adam tried to catch my gaze and I couldn't ignore him. "The battery that never runs low..?" Right, so it was his turn to cheer me up. I mean, come on! It seemed that all the time either of us was upset and the other one was trying to make it better. What was wrong with us? I voiced my thought to him and he laughed heartedly, which broke the ice instantly. "I know, right?" He agreed.

"We're freaks." I concluded with fake irritation, crossing my arms on my chest dramatically.

"Totally... _But thanks for loving me..._" He sang quietly, quoting the lyrics of his song.

"_I'm not really doing it perfectly…_" I added, continuing the words from the song, with a slight difference. We laughed a little more before falling into comfortable silence.

"So what did he tell you?" I asked after a little while, not looking at Adam. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was curious. Sue me.

"Who?" Adam asked innocently, but I could hear he was trying to hold back a smile.

"Don't be evil." I pleaded, giving him my best attempt at puppy eyes.

"You look hilarious." He commented, laughing lightly. "He likes you. And you're driving him crazy. That's all I can say."

"Really?" I steal a glance at him. "Gosh, I'm horrible."

"You are." Adam smiled to show me he was kidding. "If you like him, you have nothing to worry about, I promise." How could I not believe him? Looking into those clear, warm eyes, accompanied with a soft, genuine smile… It's impossible not to trust this man, I'm telling you. "Go have fun!" He encouraged cheerfully.

"You're right, I'm being an idiot."

"Don't be so harsh on yourself."

"Fine. Forget it. Everything."

"Alright. Consider everything forgotten." I smiled playfully at him.

"So what's up with your dates?" I asked curiously.

"You know, although I've been saying I don't have time for relationships, but I might find a way to clear off some time for that guy I went out with yesterday… He's so cute." Honestly, after this one we wouldn't have been able to have a serious conversation even if we wanted to. And we certainly didn't…

* * *

That's it for now. What did you think? Tell me your thoughts, please!

Oh, and I want to assure you, I'm not a depressed person, really. I'm actually usually quite cheerful and try not to dwell on angst and stuff like that in life. I don't know what's it with this story that I keep coming back to the lower points of the life of the characters. I'm not trying to make them miserable, it just seems right to be there. Those are the times friends come closer than ever. And also some of these happenings _are_ true, as we know…

Anyway, everything mostly turns out nice every time. Just like in real life. You always rise after a long and scary fall from the top, or even after you merely trip.

Well, that's enough with the insights for today, I think.

Don't forget to tell me your opinion! =D


	9. Chapter 9

Hey everyone!

Thank you all for reading this story and hopefully enjoying it! Special thanks to everyone who took the time to review, it meant a lot.

Now, I guess you realize what comes next… Yep, the epilogue.

Enjoy!

* * *

Epilogue – My friend

As the sun is rising slowly above the horizon, lighting the living room with golden shades, I shift my weight and sigh quietly. How long have I been standing here, lost in memories? I couldn't tell exactly. Hours, that's for sure. I still don't know what kept me awake through most of the night and what caused me to come down here and sink into the past in my mind.

It made the sleepless hour fly, though, so I don't complain. I pick up my cell phone from the coffee table to look at the hour, but stare at the device blindly as it brings another memory up and I close my eyes to welcome it…

***

"Hello?" Adam replied after a few rings.

"Hi," I said with some hesitation.

"Oh, hi Allie."

"How's it goin'?"

"Everything's great, sweetie. You?"

"I'm fine. What're you up to?"

"I'm dropping someone at home and then I have a couple of interviews on radio stations." He sounded somewhat strained. Or maybe it was just me. "Listen, I'm here –" I cut him off.

"Are you avoiding me or something?"

"What? Of course I'm not."

"Yes you are. It's because I asked you to kiss me, right?" I blurted.

"Allie –" Again, I didn't let him finish.

"I thought we were forgetting all about it." I suddenly felt frustrated. "You know it wasn't like that –" This time he cuts into my words.

"Allison!" I shut up for a moment and it was enough for him to say the next three words: "You're on speaker." He informed me and I froze, my face was lit up with burning blush, even though he couldn't see me. For the first time I acknowledged that there was someone else with him in the car. That's right, Adam had said he was dropping someone off and… of course I was on speaker, since he was clearly in his car, driving. I wanted the ground beneath me to crack open, let me fall into the very pit of Earth and hopefully close behind me. That was until the tense silence was broken.

"Hi, Allison." I heard Kyle's voice on the other end of the conversation. My heart dropped.

***

I open my eyes and smirk at the memory. I think it was the moment I first realized I had actual feelings towards Kyle. Ironic, isn't it? Although, that time my luck wasn't so bad as you'd expect. After a short "I'll call you back." Adam hung up, but he apparently explained everything to Kyle. The second found it amusing and adorable that I was terrified of dates and that he was the reason that I went through the whole trouble.

I walk up to the log self on the opposite wall and I smile at the framed photos that are standing on it, memories flooding my mind again. God, I was so childish back then. I like to think I've grown since then, but most of my friends and family claim that I'm just us stubborn and immature as I was fifteen years ago.

Yeah, that's right, it's been over fifteen years since that incident with Adam, Kyle and the kiss. Seems so long ago… But then again, I can still remember every detail, every word and smile. Ridiculous, I know, but I can't help it. It's not like I've been trying to keep everything in mind. I guess, it's just something that I'm bound not to forget. Although so many things has happened since then… So much has changed.

It's amazing how many tears I've spilled over Adam, and now I can only smile, bringing up all the moments in my mind. Both the happy and the sad ones…

***

"Thank you." I said suddenly.

"For what?" Adam raised his eyebrows with surprise.

"For Kyle. For not being mad at me. For being the best friend ever…"

"Aw, sweetie, I just told him the truth." He did. At least the truth he knew. And I absolutely refused to admit I actually wanted to kiss him for… Well, not for practice.

"Still, you cared enough to do it."

"Of course I care enough, Allie. You know I love you to death." I guess there was something in my eyes at that moment, that made him say what he did next. I have no idea what it was though. "But I think we need to change something. We can't go on like this."

"What do you mean?" I was confused; I thought everything was great.

"I mean we need some space from each other." I had a sinking feeling in my stomach, somehow resembling utter terror. He couldn't be saying what I thought he was saying. Right?

"W-Wha –" I didn't even know what I was trying to say. "Why?"

"I can see it's not easy for you and I think it would do good for both of us, if we kept some distance for a little while."

"Are you saying you want me to stay away from you?" I felt like I was suffocating, as if there was not enough oxygen in the air. Partly it was from anger and confusion, partly from sickening hurt.

"No, sweetie, of course not. I just think that we should take some time to be just friends on long distance… Look, I'll be travelling all around the world anyway and you have lots of stuff to do yourself… And you're going to try it with Kyle and… It's just better if we aren't as close for a little while. You know, just to get used to being busy and apart." I knew I was about to cry, but I was trying very hard to stop the tears from breaking through without a fight.

"But… But I don't want to be away from you. I don't want to have a distant friendship, I don't want to keep distance from my big brother." And that was the key word. He melted to a pool of Glambert around me, surrounding me with a warm hug.

***

Throughout the following weeks, months even, we both were busy doing 'our thing', which sort of suited Adam's suggestion to give each other space. Basically, we didn't really have time to socialize much. Though it wasn't working the way he had hoped it would. I mean, we were keeping constantly in touch – you know, twenty-first century, we have lots of technology – and meeting any time we had the chance to. I think we probably interacted more than we usually would. Which wasn't as bad as Adam feared. As in: I didn't have any other stupid suggestions and ideas for us.

The career thing seemed to be going well for both of us, even though it was demanding, tough to deal with and left no time. We both knew it was worth the sacrifices we sometimes had to make, because it was what we've dreamed of and it came true. No, scratch that. It was all beyond any expectations, hopes, or even dreams. And being in all of this together somehow helped us through the hardest times. We knew we could always count on each other and that we understood one another more than anyone else. Adam and I have always had something in common, although no one could ever name specifically. We simply shared some kind bond.

I pick up one of the frames and study the picture I've seen countless times before. If I close my eyes again, I know I will be able to describe every tiny and insignificant detail about it, as well as all the other pictures on the shelf.

The photograph captured Adam and me, on one of our group trips, on some mostly-empty beach. We were both facing the camera as Adam was carrying me on his back. My arms were wrapped around his neck, while his held my legs under the knees to hold me in place; I was resting my chin on his shoulder so the side of my face was almost touching his cheek. There we were: hair wild, flying with the salty breeze; wide smiles gracing our glowing faces and eyes shining with joy and happiness.

I can't hold a smile back. It seems like this day was yesterday, when in reality a good decade had passed since then. My hair is almost the same shade now. I've dyed it so many times over the years in every color from the spectrum. Still, I always came back to this deep red shade. I have no idea why.

I love this photo. It's beautiful and it always brings up the best memories. I put it back in place and slowly scan the other pictures with my gaze, as the memories of each and every one raise in front of my eyes. Parties, trips, important events… But mostly – important people.

***

"Adam!" I shouted, trying to be heard over the loud excitement of the people around me, as I pushed my way towards Adam through the crowd.

"Allie!" He finally spotted me with his eyes and smiled broadly. The next moment I crashed into him, squeezing the air out of his body in a slightly too enthusiastic hug.

"Congratulations!" I yelled, pulling away at last.

"Thanks, sweetie." He gave me one of his sincere, warm smiles. I loved to see him so happy and excited. It radiated from him like heat from fire and made me feel fantastically good.

"God, Adam, I'm so proud of you!" I squealed, not releasing his hands from mine.

"Aw, thanks sis. Next year the stage will be all yours!" Adam assured me, but I waved my hand dismissively; I didn't really care about myself at the moment.

"Your first Grammy!" I have to admit I spilled a couple of tears to the sound of his speech that night. Okay, maybe more than a few, but could anyone blame me?

"Yeah! I still can't believe it." Adam bit his bottom lip.

"Well, you better believe it, 'cause it's the first of many others!" He laughed in response and hugged me once again, before other people started attacking him with congratulations.

***

Adam Lambert was my first love.

Yes, love. It wasn't just a childish crush but real, deep feelings I've had for him. I know this now as well as I knew it all those years ago. Of course, I'd moved on and fallen in love again, more than once. I've had my fair share of heartbreaks and disappointments before I finally found the person I wanted to spend my life with. Before any thoughts are born in your heads: no, it's not Kyle. He had actually helped me a lot and I'm grateful for it, I'm not sure I would've been able to do it without him, but he was more like a very important stop on the way, a bridge I had to pass to get to the next significant part of my life. And before other kind of thoughts are considered: he also isn't anything like Adam. Neither in looks, nor in personality. Whichever way of resemblance you might imagine – they don't have it.

Oh, by '_he_' I meant my husband. I have kids too, by the way. Yeah, yeah, the bubbly Allison Irahita, who has always been counted as the baby of the group, is a mother now. I've got two girls. Although I think I'm still the baby of the group somehow. Go figure.

Adam has a family of his own as well. Remember that guy Adam was talking about in his car? The one who was worth the effort to find time..? Yeah, that's him. Love that guy. And they're perfect for each other. I could tell that when I first met him, even though back then I still had those pangs of jealousy, which I was determined to ignore. They started dating just for fun, then called it 'just a casual thing', then it turned into a relationship and a couple of years later they moved in together. That was it. Adam's magnificent, mind-blowing career wasn't enough to break them apart. Neither were the endless rumors or the fans that were throwing themselves at Adam, nor the lack of time and tones of constant pressure… Nothing was enough to ruin the beautiful thing they have together. And I'm so unbelievably happy for them, as much as I know they are for me.

They've adopted a little boy just a couple of years before I had my first baby and they've practically grew together. We like to joke that they will end up getting married. Know what the funny thing is? They don't object. They are ten and eight years old. Weird kids, I'm telling you.

Our 'second round' went a little differently. I can still remember the dinner at my house when Adam announced they wanted to adopt another kid.

"Has to be a girl." Adam claimed firmly. And it was. Only this time they didn't take a baby, they decided to take care of a nine-year-old, whom they've met at the orphanage they were constantly involved with as a part of their charity work. The little girl had one of the saddest stories I've ever heard, but she was adorable and had a great personality. When I met her, I instantly knew why Adam and his partner were so fascinated by her. She was a real charmer. Now, it was even before she moved in with Adam. And we all know how charismatic this guy is…

Not to mention her looks! She has awesome genetics, for sure, but the stile… I mean, the girl is being raised by a rock star named Adam Lambert and a fashion designer, what did you expect? She's barely twelve now and I can already see her as the hottest girl in high school. The one every guy wants to date and all the girls want to hate. They'll have a rough time finding excuses to hate her, though. She's just too nice and sweet.

As soon as they adopted the girl, Adam started getting ideas in my husband's head, saying she would be a great babysitter soon… and that we needed a baby around. At first I was laughing and telling him to get his own, if he wanted, but soon enough my husband was helping Adam mess with my head and… And the next thing I knew was me agreeing to have another child. Not that I regret that decision, heaven forbid. Love my kids, love Adam's.

Well, you get the idea of our slightly dysfunctional family, right? Great, now add Kris and Katy and their 'coven' as Adam calls their large family jokingly, and Megan with Ryder, who's heading to collage next year (still can't believe he's already old enough!) and – surprise, surprise – Matt, yes, as in Matt Giraud; then a few other friends we've gotten close with along the years, and also all the siblings with their families and also the parents… And you can guess how a holiday looks for us. It's never boring around here.

As you've obviously figured already, my friendship with Adam survived after all. We consider each other real family now and I don't think twice about the decisions I've made so many years ago. I don't regret any. I'm also not sorry for all what we had to go through, because I know that it all brought us to what we are now.

And even though it hasn't been easy for me, even though it hurt a lot and for long, even though a little part of my heart will always be his in more than one way, as much as I don't want to admit it; I've never regretted staying his friend despite the difficulties and pain involved, because he is the best friend a person could wish for. I love Adam. He is my best friend. Have been since the moment we met and always will be.

The end.

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* * *

Ah… I can't believe it's really over. The part, the version, the entire story… Finished. At last.

So this is a story about a really strong friendship that was stronger than anything else. Even romantic kind of love. I know most Adison shippers would rather the other way around, but we've had it in the other version of the story already. I wanted to show the other side of the coin too. Which is, I think, is the more realistic side.

Okay so I hope you enjoyed the chapter and the story as a whole. I'd really like you to tell me what exactly thought of the whole thing… Tell me all you have in mind, I would appreciate it a lot.

I also put out a poll about which version you liked better and I'll be thrilled if you take half a minute to vote. I'm just very curious.

Well, that's I guess. =D

Take care!

P.S. I'm working on a completely different project right now, which is an original story. I haven't posted it yet, but if someone's interested in reading it once it's out, I can send a message. So tell me. =D


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